Please hear what I am not saying...

I read this in one of the Chicken soup for the soul series. Pretty good.


Don’t be fooled by me.
Don’t be fooled by the face I wear.
For I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
Masks that I am afraid to take off,
And none of them is me.
Pretending is an art that is second nature to me,
But don’t be fooled.
I give you the impression that I’m secure,
That confidence is my name and coolness is my game,
That the water’s calm and I’m in command,
And that I need no one.
But don’t believe me.
My surface my seem smooth, but my surface is my mask,
Ever varying and ever concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion and fear and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don’t want anybody to know it.

I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed.
That’s why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
A nonchalant sophisticated façade, to help me pretend,
To shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation.
My only hope and I know it.
That is, if it is followed by acceptance,
If it is followed by love.
It’s the only thing that can liberate me from myself,
From my own self built prison walls,
From the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It’s the only thing that will assure me
Of what I cannot assure myself,
That I’m really worth something.
I don’t like to hide.
I don’t like to play superficial phony games,
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me,
But you’ve got to help me.
You’ve got to hold out your hand
Even when that’s the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
The bland stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.

Each time you’re kind and gentle and encouraging,
Each time you try to understand because you really care,
My heart begins to grow wings, very small wings,
Very feeble wings,
But wings!
With your power to touch me into feeling
You can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.

Who am I, you may wonder.
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet.
For I am every woman you meet.

- Jill Zevallos-Solak

Regards,

Devil's own

Get out of my way!

I get so bugged so many times while driving. It seems that whenever I’m in a rush to reach someplace (and when I’m not too), everybody else on the road has all the time in the world. Every single person in the city has to cross the road or even take a walk in the middle of it at the exact time when I am passing that stretch of the road. And okay, fine, I’ll keep up with it. I’m probably just getting too chaotic because I’m in a hurry, but seriously I always feel that whenever I’m honking the horn its to take out my frustration instead of asking someone to get out of my way. Atleast I’m sure that is what everyone in front of me thinks. The loud noise of the horn doesn’t even cause anybody to bat their eyelids!!! It doesn’t even bother pedestrians. And as it is I fail to understand why there are people walking in the middle of the road, and how can parents allow kids of about ten to ride their bicycles on highways. They’ve caused me two really bad accidents already, and completely destroyed a favorite dress! I cannot take this! What am I, invisible or something? Plus, people somehow suddenly decide to stop in the middle of the road, change their minds, take U turns everywhere, very conveniently use the other side of the road to get ahead of vehicles in front of them when there isn’t any space in front of them, leave their indicators on and forget about them, give the left indicator and turn right, and don’t bother to indicate in any manner when they actually have to take a turn… and continuously irritatingly and stupidly honk their horns at traffic signals!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggghhhh!!!!

Really bugged,

Devil's own

Please Listen

I found this in the chicken soup series, and instantly liked it and could relate to it. But yeah, as much as its important for you to have someone listen to you, there are so many times I feel the need to be told what to do. Maybe that is what I was going to do as it is, but I feel safe, I feel secure, and I feel assured, when the words come from someone I love and someone I trust. When someone I love gives me advice, it feels good. I feel cared for. I feel there is someone who’ll be there, and who’ll catch me when I fall, and help me get back on my feet.


Please Listen


When I ask you to listen to me
And you start giving me advice,
You have not done what I have asked.
When I ask you to listen to me
And you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way,
You’re trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me
And you feel you have to do something to solve my problem,
You have failed me,
Strange as it may seem.
Listen! All I ask is that you listen.
Don’t talk or do – just hear me.
Advice is cheap; 20 cents will get
You both Dear Abby and Billy Graham
In the same newspaper.
And I can do for myself; I’m not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering,
But not helpless.
When you do something for me that I can
And need to do for myself,
You contribute to my fear and inadequacy.
But when you accept as a simple fact
That I feel what I feel,
No matter how irrational,
Then I can stop trying to convince you
And get about this business
Of understanding what’s behind
This irrational feeling.
And when that’s clear, the answers are obvious
And I don’t need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when
We understand what’s behind them.
Perhaps that’s why prayer works, sometimes,
For some people – for God is mute,
And he doesn’t give advice or try to fix things.
God just listens and lets you work it out for yourself.
So please listen, and just hear me.
And if you want to talk, wait a minute
for your turn – and I will listen to you.

Regards,

Devil's own

D-I-S-C-O?!?!

I was sitting in front of my pc as usual, and playing sudoku while listening to songs playing on winamp. I was completely engrossed in the puzzle and was barely aware of the music playing in the background, despite the volume being more than audible even outside the main door of my place.
As I finished the 7th sudoku puzzle in succession, my attention drifted to the music playing. I have a large collection of different songs from various genres in my computer, and there are a lot of songs I don’t ever listen to, and even loads of those which I have never heard even once. Furthermore, a lot of times, I am not even aware of their existence in my machine.
Okay, so we come back to what I was saying. So the song that started playing was called ‘Disco’ by a band called N-trance. This was not one of those I hadn’t heard before, but for the first time I actually paid attention to what the dude was saying. Before this, whenever I had heard the song, never paid attention, as it sounded like another of those fast numbers you can find use for when on the dance floor. And of course, after I actually heard it, I wished I hadn’t. Ha ha.
So here are the lyrics…

“D-I-S-C-O… D-I-S-C-O… D-I-S-C-O… D-I-S-C-O…
[A whole load of full speed crappy blah blah, which I guess isn’t even intended to get through to the people goes here, which is rephrased or maybe not - a lot of times and inserted after the chorus everywhere.]
She’s D, desirable
She’s I, irresistible
She’s S, super-sexy
She’s C, such a cutie
She’s Oooooooooooooooo [probably stretched this long for the lyricist being at a loss of a proper and rhyming adjective beginning with ‘O’ that can fit in here]
She is Disco… She’s Disco… She is Disco” (And this continues, and fades away with the end of the song)

So…
The girl, according to the word web is “A public dance hall for dancing to recorded popular music”. Haha. Is this supposed to make sense? Couldn’t they put in better words in here? She’s disco??? This is really absurd!!

I somehow get myself to stop analyzing the lyrics and searching for a sensible meaning for the song, and decide to do that later. I think of deleting the song from the hdd, but then decide otherwise and let it be. But what I do is switch to familiar and understandable music for the moment, and jump to ‘Gin Soaked Boy’ by ‘The Divine Comedy’.

Regards,
Devil's own

Septette

Seven words I use most often (phrases actually)

1. "Yeah, right"
2. "Alright"
3. "Puhleease"... and also the polite "please"
4. "Nahii jee"
5. "What?" and "WHAT??!?!?!!!?!"
6. "Sorry"
7. "Thank you"

( and some more like.. oh, whatever, very funny, obviously and my favourite... "i'm hungry!"
and, my friend reminded me... " This is not done", and lately i've been hmming a lot :))

Seven Things I should do

1. Get into a really good place for my pg
2. Have my calcium, vitamin, and iron supplements regularly, and have milk everyday
3. Cut down on coke
4. Start getting enough sleep and sleep max by 0200 hrs
5. Keep my mouth shut when soe ignoramus is talking bullshit
6. Attend my classes at college regularly
7. Stand up for myself when someone takes me for granted

Seven things I can do

1. Talk all day and never run out of things to say
2. Have a permanent smile on my face without my cheeks hurting at all
3. Stray awake for 96 hours at a stretch
4. Cook (and also make Nimbu ka achaar :))
5. Make yummy cappuccino at home
6. Daydream
7. Embroider (and design dresses)

Seven things I can't do

1. Save money
2. Keep my mouth shut when someone is not making sense
3. Attend a lecture where the teacher gobbles up stuff from a book, and then squirts it all out word to word in the class, not knowing anything above that
4. Say no to a friend
5. Control my laughter
6. Take false accusations
7. Bear to watch the likes of mithun chakravorty and govinda dance

Seven things I plan to do

1. Get a high paying job, in a good firm, in a good place
2. Get a black mitsubishi lancer as my first car (sigh)
3. Buy a beautiful, snug and cosy little house for me and decorate and take care of even the littlest things in it myself
4. Spend my whole life with the person I love
5. Learn French, German, Japanese and a few more languages
6. Learn many many recipes from all over the world
7. Travel to LOTS of places

[and.. learn lots of different dances, write a book someday, have really long hair, join a gym, have f.r.i.e.n.d.s. dvds-all seasons, go to andaman and nicobar for a while and forget all my worries, volunteer for an andi-aids organization, and also an organization like cry... always have a refrigerator full of chocolates when i begin earning... umm... i plan to to lots of stuff :)]

i'd like to tag...

actually, the people may choose to accept or reject the tag... just suggesting

Rainmaker
Sonny Shine(sonny where have you been?? what happened to yr blog? write to me when u read this)
sups
weltanschauungs
taggy (tag you've been tagged! :D)

well i guess these people are all i can think of at the moment, i'll add more later


Love,
Devil's own

some more garfield!

Betrayal

How're you supposed to behave or react or whatever when people who you call friends do lowly things like stealing your stuff, and also, think they've got away with it; and that I am a fool who'll not even notice and keep trusting the person blindly?! Some of it may even be true. I am actually going to let the person get away with it. I don't know what else I can do. I am not going to shrink to the person's level and put up a fight. And it is not about the stuff that the person took without my permission (basically, steal!), it is about the person who did it! And it is about what the person meant to me. I am in an awkward position now. The person should be feeling ashamed and guilty, but I don't notice any such signs looking at the person. Instead, I am feeling ashamed! How can the person act as if nothing happened, face me, and see me in the eye! But well I am gonna try to act as if nothing happened too. It is really not about what the thing stolen cost me. I don't care what the thing is, or what the price of the thing that the friend (do I call the person that?) stole is. It is about betrayal. Had the person told me that the person liked that thing, or asked for it I would have just given it to the person. This 'person' thing is getting to my nerves, I’d rather use he/she, but I don't intend to give anyone, or the person any idea of who I am talking about, and what am I referring to. I'd rather not create havoc out of this, nor do I want to make anybody think low of the person, coz the person still remains a friend, and I may as well write this off as a small mistake that happened.
But I am bugged and I am annoyed big time!
This is not done!
This is treason!
I feel besieged!
This is breach of the unwritten and unsaid contract that is there between people who know each other as friends!
I hate, loathe and am disgusted by such things!
"Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you".... But for god's sake don't steal!!!
Please... if you are my friend, be one.