You Don't Have to be Okay

More often than not, we try to make things seem okay, because either we wish they were, or that's what's expected of us, which makes saying 'I'm okay' become the path of least resistance. And yet, nothing feels okay.

You may be scared, hurt, angry, sad, anxious, nervous, crushed; overcome with every emotion other than being okay.

It's easier to heal if you let things be, take their own course. Accept that you need healing. If you need time to heal, take time - don't push it. Personally, I don't think you really can push it. If you're not okay, you can mask it - you can try to hide it from yourself, as you can from others - but you cannot truly 'un-feel' the emotions you're feeling. You can disguise, yes.

To disguise or not - there's no right answer to that. You may not want interference, questions or curious eyes and ears prying upon you - I know I wouldn't. When you're hurting, when you're unsure, the last thing you want to think about is others' opinions of your feelings. If your feelings don't have enough space to breathe, it's natural to not want to give that space to another's.

I end up eventually feeling worse, if I feel that I am disguising my real feelings because I am 'supposed' to.

'Supposed' - how much I hate this word is probably a matter for another day. Let me just put it out there, that I don't appreciate being 'supposed' to be or do or say anything. I need to just be.

So, well, I think it's okay to think about yourself. If you're not in a good place, I know how difficult it is to look at a situation from someone else's point of view. It's okay to not want to be in someone else's shoes when your feet are sore.

It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to think about yourself. It's okay.

Here's a good write up on Thought Catalog on this subject. I agree with every word. :)

Love,
Nidhi

A Different Place

It's been close to four months in the new city, new country.

I'm getting by well enough, I would say.

I was looking for a big change, a big distraction, and this works fairly well in giving me the change I was craving. I wanted to break the old routine, and newer pastures were more than welcome. My stubborn want gave way to the present. All I did was open my arms that were too closely guarding the constant, the known, the habits. Is this what they call the law of attraction?

Being in the comfort zone for too long, and too deep, slowly chips away on the comfort in it. The zone itself starts to creep up on you and makes you want to run. One needs change, a stroll, new experiences ever so often. Moving on every now and then keeps you growing, keeps you going. Stagnation, well, not so much.

True for me atleast.

Don't stop. Keep experiencing, keep making yourself uncomfortable. The layer of discomfort and newness eventually sheds away to reveal new skin, and a fresh perspective. It mutes the noise for just long enough to remind you who you are. Reflect on the whats, whys and hows that matter most to you.

And then, repeat. When you think it is time.

Take charge. Run your show.

Be You.

Always.

Love,
Nidhi

A Rant On Women's Empowerment

It's maddeningly frustrating to see how to most people here in India, the primary objective of getting their son married is to have someone look after their household chores - which include cooking, cleaning and basically just attending to whatever random chores have to be done. The reason coming in a close second is procreation - the need for children to carry forward the 'family name'. So close! 

I fail to understand why the family name is significant anyway. If you die, you die. It doesn't matter any more whose name is what and besides, what if your family's offspring change their name to metallica (or anything!!). 

So coming back to the original line of thought - this train of thought started because the pati (the husband, if you will) and I were watching Kaun Banega Crorepati with all the Bachchan glory. Coincidentally, all contestants on KBC happen to come bundled with a sob back-story and also useless poetry things to bore people in between questions.

The contestant dude tonight also had a sob story. His sob story was about having to marry at a really early age due to unfortunate circumstances. So what were these unfortunate circumstances? Well he said that his mom died and an aunt came over to live for a bit and take care of the household/chores - but then she had to go back to her original home and they would need someone to take care of theirs. 

One would think he'd get a maid. But nope, he's so much more creative than that. He gets married, and brings home a wife to do all the housework - and for free at that. So he completely undermined both his mother and wife in one sentence. He felt no shame or hesitation in explaining his reason for marriage - his manner was disturbingly matter-of-fact. And why not? This is probably one of the biggest reasons for marriage in our country.

How convenient. 

We can shout slogans about women's liberation and gender equality - but these clichéd role stereotypes are just so deeply rooted and ingrained in the heads of our country-folk, that this liberation and equality thing appears to be just eyewash. It's not just men labelling women as the "housewives", it's the men's mothers and aunts and sisters as well - yep, the women. So the women collectively are successfully keeping each other down below. 

Cooking, cleaning, looking after the kids, other random chores - will continue to be labelled as women's domain for as long as marriages happen for the "household". Also, despite the fact that these marriages are primarily happening because men need the women to take care of their business - they still think they're doing a favour to her entire khandaan by marrying her - and dowry remains a norm. Oh and that also reminds me of the mind-numbingly regressive TV soaps that continue to remain the rage - mostly among womenfolk.

Yes, it's true that many more people educate their daughters now, but unfortunately so many of them do so only to ensure a good "match" for their marriage.   

Argh! So much is so wrong! I can continue this rant for eons, but I'll feel like a stuck record. You get the idea.

I hope and wish for change. I really do. 

I hope women choose a brighter future - for themselves and their kind.

I hope that some day a large part of the population is able to look at marriage as a union of two people who choose to spend their lives together - for love.

Love and laughter,

Nidhi

Past in the present

When there is something that is a significant part of your memories from yesteryears.. formative years more so, you tend to want to do it over and over again. That can be a pattern of behaviour, that can be the songs you heard, that can be the food you ate, that can be the kind of people you grew up being fond of, that can be the kind of life you wanted for yourself. You want a replay of yesteryears to be embedded in your present somewhere. Some people want it very consciously, some people don't know they do.. but they too want a replay of the fond memories somewhere embedded in their day to day life. When it doesn't happen you find yourself looking for something that is missing. You may have had the most tumultuous childhood, but they were your golden years. They were when you were a naive innocent person. They were when you didn't think life had to be this tough. You want reminders and assurance that life is still good. 

Hope it turns out to be that way for all of us. 

Good luck. Dream on. :)

Love,
Doublelifer.

I am alive! (Yay!)

I'd been feeling this numbness in hands and feet after I abruptly woke up from sleep sometimes - especially in my hands. Particularly very noticably during flights.

It was a bit tingly and went away after a bit or after i flexed my hands. But it had me worried alright! The discomfort also catapulted since I had a couple of extremely long flights in a short period of time lately.

So the diagnosis began. The first couple of searches I did, I got things like Stroke, paralysis and well, rheumatoid arthritis.

A random conversation with my sister, and she tells me our aunt has begun developing rheumatoid arthritis. I didn't know about it. So I asked her to explain what that meant. As she explained, I felt - whoa! This is it! This is what has happened to me! I don't tell her that though.

I look it up on wiki. I look at the picture of the hand. I look at my hand. Well, my pinky finger has always been a little on a different angle from my other fingers. I take a picture of my hand to compare. My imagination starts running wild. As always.

The plot thickens.

I get reeeaally worried. Nooo! What about my 12 children from the future? What will happen to them if I am going to be terminally ill?

But I then got to this thread:

'Numbness in hand after waking up from sleep' on Wrong Diagnosis

Eureka! It's the posture! It's the posture!

I am ecstatic!

This makes more sense - and this was the only non-life-threatening; or atleast non chronic thing I could find. Even though, ironically, the site is called "wrong diagnosis". Well, in my case it doesn't seem so wrong. Atleast more right than all the other diagnoses I came up with. Rheumatoid arthritis can wait until I'm 45. Or something. Atleast? Please?  :-/

Lord! Am I turning into a hypochondriac? Or is it just that I am growing old!

Oh well...

Love and Good Health,  

Doublelifer

Chicago

My Chicago Trip. Also, my first overseas trip.

So the place is beautiful. Clean and organized - which is pleasing.

I love travelling, love seeing new places. But I don't quite get the big deal about this country. Home is, and will always be India. Swadesh. No, I am not a cynic. Just, I don't get why people (in my country I mean) seem to be going bonkers about shifting to the United States of America (Except for more money maybe?).

Make no mistake, I am definitely looking forward to the rest of my trip. Just saying, since I was hoping to be struck by awesomeness when I reached here - given the number of people going wow about here. But it felt like, okay great.. but blah! No magic. What's the fuss about the american dream?

Here's some pictures I've taken so far.

Chicago Apr 2011

Love.

p.s. - The food here is oh-my-god-so-fattening! I hope that I magically don't put on more weight over the -next 2 weeks! :-/

On women: Our (un)complicated selves

They say women are complicated. I don't think so. 

Little things affect us. In a big way. Good things as well as bad things. Quicker and in a deeper way than men can imagine maybe. But does that make us complicated? I don't think so. 

In fact, maybe we're too simple for them to understand. Which makes us seem complicated.

Why did I start off on this line of thought?

Well, the housemaid just left after her daily chores (more than usual given that it is Sunday), and left me with a feeling of contentment.

Why am I happy? 

I simply love the way the house smells slightly of the floor cleaner and the tiles are shining clear and bright. The floor cleaner doesn't quite have the extracts of the rarest of rare flora carefully packaged by a French perfume seller. That is not what this is about. 

I am not denying that I love perfume, in fact I am a sucker for things that smell good.

What I am saying though, is that what makes me happy is the feeling of something getting to a more organized state is fulfilling. 

So we - the womankind, are famed to be multitaskers. And we are too. Inside our heads, though, we tend to be chaotic and panic when there's any unfinished business. More so, when there's multiple unfinished tasks. These tasks don't have to be those assigned to us by anybody else. These don't have to be of world changing significance. Just the fact that we feel something should be done is enough to add an item to the "unfinished" list. 

I see the kitchen platform getting cleaned up, I see the garbage bag being replaced, I see the vessels getting washed and kept into their respective racks, I see the bathroom floor getting washed, And then I see the maid sit down and have her tea (which I made while she finished the chores); while she and I talk about her soon to be married daughter in broken hindi and english - since we have a language difference - And I experience the feeling of pure bliss. I find that I am smiling inside. My attention soon drifts to the laundry basket waiting to be emptied into the washing machine.

Small things make us happy. Small things make us sad too. And they say we're complicated? Not quite. :)

Love,

Me.

P.S. - Happy Holi folks. :)