You Don't Have to be Okay

More often than not, we try to make things seem okay, because either we wish they were, or that's what's expected of us, which makes saying 'I'm okay' become the path of least resistance. And yet, nothing feels okay.

You may be scared, hurt, angry, sad, anxious, nervous, crushed; overcome with every emotion other than being okay.

It's easier to heal if you let things be, take their own course. Accept that you need healing. If you need time to heal, take time - don't push it. Personally, I don't think you really can push it. If you're not okay, you can mask it - you can try to hide it from yourself, as you can from others - but you cannot truly 'un-feel' the emotions you're feeling. You can disguise, yes.

To disguise or not - there's no right answer to that. You may not want interference, questions or curious eyes and ears prying upon you - I know I wouldn't. When you're hurting, when you're unsure, the last thing you want to think about is others' opinions of your feelings. If your feelings don't have enough space to breathe, it's natural to not want to give that space to another's.

I end up eventually feeling worse, if I feel that I am disguising my real feelings because I am 'supposed' to.

'Supposed' - how much I hate this word is probably a matter for another day. Let me just put it out there, that I don't appreciate being 'supposed' to be or do or say anything. I need to just be.

So, well, I think it's okay to think about yourself. If you're not in a good place, I know how difficult it is to look at a situation from someone else's point of view. It's okay to not want to be in someone else's shoes when your feet are sore.

It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to think about yourself. It's okay.

Here's a good write up on Thought Catalog on this subject. I agree with every word. :)

Love,
Nidhi

A Different Place

It's been close to four months in the new city, new country.

I'm getting by well enough, I would say.

I was looking for a big change, a big distraction, and this works fairly well in giving me the change I was craving. I wanted to break the old routine, and newer pastures were more than welcome. My stubborn want gave way to the present. All I did was open my arms that were too closely guarding the constant, the known, the habits. Is this what they call the law of attraction?

Being in the comfort zone for too long, and too deep, slowly chips away on the comfort in it. The zone itself starts to creep up on you and makes you want to run. One needs change, a stroll, new experiences ever so often. Moving on every now and then keeps you growing, keeps you going. Stagnation, well, not so much.

True for me atleast.

Don't stop. Keep experiencing, keep making yourself uncomfortable. The layer of discomfort and newness eventually sheds away to reveal new skin, and a fresh perspective. It mutes the noise for just long enough to remind you who you are. Reflect on the whats, whys and hows that matter most to you.

And then, repeat. When you think it is time.

Take charge. Run your show.

Be You.

Always.

Love,
Nidhi

A Rant On Women's Empowerment

It's maddeningly frustrating to see how to most people here in India, the primary objective of getting their son married is to have someone look after their household chores - which include cooking, cleaning and basically just attending to whatever random chores have to be done. The reason coming in a close second is procreation - the need for children to carry forward the 'family name'. So close! 

I fail to understand why the family name is significant anyway. If you die, you die. It doesn't matter any more whose name is what and besides, what if your family's offspring change their name to metallica (or anything!!). 

So coming back to the original line of thought - this train of thought started because the pati (the husband, if you will) and I were watching Kaun Banega Crorepati with all the Bachchan glory. Coincidentally, all contestants on KBC happen to come bundled with a sob back-story and also useless poetry things to bore people in between questions.

The contestant dude tonight also had a sob story. His sob story was about having to marry at a really early age due to unfortunate circumstances. So what were these unfortunate circumstances? Well he said that his mom died and an aunt came over to live for a bit and take care of the household/chores - but then she had to go back to her original home and they would need someone to take care of theirs. 

One would think he'd get a maid. But nope, he's so much more creative than that. He gets married, and brings home a wife to do all the housework - and for free at that. So he completely undermined both his mother and wife in one sentence. He felt no shame or hesitation in explaining his reason for marriage - his manner was disturbingly matter-of-fact. And why not? This is probably one of the biggest reasons for marriage in our country.

How convenient. 

We can shout slogans about women's liberation and gender equality - but these clichéd role stereotypes are just so deeply rooted and ingrained in the heads of our country-folk, that this liberation and equality thing appears to be just eyewash. It's not just men labelling women as the "housewives", it's the men's mothers and aunts and sisters as well - yep, the women. So the women collectively are successfully keeping each other down below. 

Cooking, cleaning, looking after the kids, other random chores - will continue to be labelled as women's domain for as long as marriages happen for the "household". Also, despite the fact that these marriages are primarily happening because men need the women to take care of their business - they still think they're doing a favour to her entire khandaan by marrying her - and dowry remains a norm. Oh and that also reminds me of the mind-numbingly regressive TV soaps that continue to remain the rage - mostly among womenfolk.

Yes, it's true that many more people educate their daughters now, but unfortunately so many of them do so only to ensure a good "match" for their marriage.   

Argh! So much is so wrong! I can continue this rant for eons, but I'll feel like a stuck record. You get the idea.

I hope and wish for change. I really do. 

I hope women choose a brighter future - for themselves and their kind.

I hope that some day a large part of the population is able to look at marriage as a union of two people who choose to spend their lives together - for love.

Love and laughter,

Nidhi

Past in the present

When there is something that is a significant part of your memories from yesteryears.. formative years more so, you tend to want to do it over and over again. That can be a pattern of behaviour, that can be the songs you heard, that can be the food you ate, that can be the kind of people you grew up being fond of, that can be the kind of life you wanted for yourself. You want a replay of yesteryears to be embedded in your present somewhere. Some people want it very consciously, some people don't know they do.. but they too want a replay of the fond memories somewhere embedded in their day to day life. When it doesn't happen you find yourself looking for something that is missing. You may have had the most tumultuous childhood, but they were your golden years. They were when you were a naive innocent person. They were when you didn't think life had to be this tough. You want reminders and assurance that life is still good. 

Hope it turns out to be that way for all of us. 

Good luck. Dream on. :)

Love,
Doublelifer.

I am alive! (Yay!)

I'd been feeling this numbness in hands and feet after I abruptly woke up from sleep sometimes - especially in my hands. Particularly very noticably during flights.

It was a bit tingly and went away after a bit or after i flexed my hands. But it had me worried alright! The discomfort also catapulted since I had a couple of extremely long flights in a short period of time lately.

So the diagnosis began. The first couple of searches I did, I got things like Stroke, paralysis and well, rheumatoid arthritis.

A random conversation with my sister, and she tells me our aunt has begun developing rheumatoid arthritis. I didn't know about it. So I asked her to explain what that meant. As she explained, I felt - whoa! This is it! This is what has happened to me! I don't tell her that though.

I look it up on wiki. I look at the picture of the hand. I look at my hand. Well, my pinky finger has always been a little on a different angle from my other fingers. I take a picture of my hand to compare. My imagination starts running wild. As always.

The plot thickens.

I get reeeaally worried. Nooo! What about my 12 children from the future? What will happen to them if I am going to be terminally ill?

But I then got to this thread:

'Numbness in hand after waking up from sleep' on Wrong Diagnosis

Eureka! It's the posture! It's the posture!

I am ecstatic!

This makes more sense - and this was the only non-life-threatening; or atleast non chronic thing I could find. Even though, ironically, the site is called "wrong diagnosis". Well, in my case it doesn't seem so wrong. Atleast more right than all the other diagnoses I came up with. Rheumatoid arthritis can wait until I'm 45. Or something. Atleast? Please?  :-/

Lord! Am I turning into a hypochondriac? Or is it just that I am growing old!

Oh well...

Love and Good Health,  

Doublelifer

Chicago

My Chicago Trip. Also, my first overseas trip.

So the place is beautiful. Clean and organized - which is pleasing.

I love travelling, love seeing new places. But I don't quite get the big deal about this country. Home is, and will always be India. Swadesh. No, I am not a cynic. Just, I don't get why people (in my country I mean) seem to be going bonkers about shifting to the United States of America (Except for more money maybe?).

Make no mistake, I am definitely looking forward to the rest of my trip. Just saying, since I was hoping to be struck by awesomeness when I reached here - given the number of people going wow about here. But it felt like, okay great.. but blah! No magic. What's the fuss about the american dream?

Here's some pictures I've taken so far.

Chicago Apr 2011

Love.

p.s. - The food here is oh-my-god-so-fattening! I hope that I magically don't put on more weight over the -next 2 weeks! :-/

On women: Our (un)complicated selves

They say women are complicated. I don't think so. 

Little things affect us. In a big way. Good things as well as bad things. Quicker and in a deeper way than men can imagine maybe. But does that make us complicated? I don't think so. 

In fact, maybe we're too simple for them to understand. Which makes us seem complicated.

Why did I start off on this line of thought?

Well, the housemaid just left after her daily chores (more than usual given that it is Sunday), and left me with a feeling of contentment.

Why am I happy? 

I simply love the way the house smells slightly of the floor cleaner and the tiles are shining clear and bright. The floor cleaner doesn't quite have the extracts of the rarest of rare flora carefully packaged by a French perfume seller. That is not what this is about. 

I am not denying that I love perfume, in fact I am a sucker for things that smell good.

What I am saying though, is that what makes me happy is the feeling of something getting to a more organized state is fulfilling. 

So we - the womankind, are famed to be multitaskers. And we are too. Inside our heads, though, we tend to be chaotic and panic when there's any unfinished business. More so, when there's multiple unfinished tasks. These tasks don't have to be those assigned to us by anybody else. These don't have to be of world changing significance. Just the fact that we feel something should be done is enough to add an item to the "unfinished" list. 

I see the kitchen platform getting cleaned up, I see the garbage bag being replaced, I see the vessels getting washed and kept into their respective racks, I see the bathroom floor getting washed, And then I see the maid sit down and have her tea (which I made while she finished the chores); while she and I talk about her soon to be married daughter in broken hindi and english - since we have a language difference - And I experience the feeling of pure bliss. I find that I am smiling inside. My attention soon drifts to the laundry basket waiting to be emptied into the washing machine.

Small things make us happy. Small things make us sad too. And they say we're complicated? Not quite. :)

Love,

Me.

P.S. - Happy Holi folks. :)

Dream. Try.

At the end of the day, you are on your own. People would come along, be nice to you, walk a little while beside you. They may stay back. They may not. You don't know. You make whatever you will of your life. And, if you think you're not where you wanted to be - you took some bad decisions while on your way here. Maybe you have a chance to rectify your mistakes, maybe you don't. You can only try. You'll never know for sure. Keep trying to get where you want to be. I wish I wasn't where I am too. But there's another possibility. Maybe tomorrow I will want to be where I am. Maybe this is part of the larger plan. Maybe I just don't know yet. Maybe if I keep trying to get out of this place I will succeed. Wish I knew what the plan is. You can't stop yourself from wanting things you're not certain of getting. That's what dreaming is about. You dream, you try. If you fall, you hurt. You stand up, you walk on, you heal. Sometimes it takes longer to heal, but heal you do. If you lose sight of this rationale when you're broken, it's alright. It will come to you. We're all unsure. We're all wary. We're all lost souls swimming in the fish bowl. We're all part of the larger game plan. We're specks of dust. We want to be happy specks. We dream of better days.

Love.

Save Our Tigers | Join the Roar

Title: Save Our Tigers | Join the Roar
Link: http://gotaf.socialtwist.com/redirect?l=-827999872460968069321

Return of the Insomniac

I need sleep.

I am not getting any.

I'm attempting to bore myself to sleep by writing nonsensical and/or incoherent information here.

I thought I had successfully overcome my long running insomnia. I don't know when it appeared again. But it has been around for some weeks now.

As I ramble on about not getting sleep (instead of switching off the lights, getting into the bed and actually trying to sleep), realization strikes - I have less than 4 hours left to catch up on my sleep before the despised doorbell starts ringing with the calls of the milkman, newspaper, housemaid and the cleaning lady as they start paying their daily visits. You might think I can ignore the doorbell and carry on sleeping - since anyone would probably ring a couple of times and leave. I wish! I've tried using that tactic a couple of times (very unsuccessfully) when I've felt the need for some extra hours of my therapeutic beauty sleep (or when I've spent the whole night awake again).

Out of these daily visitors, the housemaid seems to have consecrated the mornings to making sure we're all up (and very very grumpy). If you don't open the door within 2 rings of the doorbell; oh Good Lord, she bangs her fists on the door with incomprehensible draconian fury which has the capability to scare the living daylights out of a comatose person too!!! You can't help it! All you can do is jump out of the bed, run (to the door) for your life and let the woman in!

She makes as much noise as can possibly be made with whatever weapons are available to her - vessels, the broom, her very annoying vocal chords, and loud thumping of the floor with her feet with every step she takes while she walks around the house (I've got not clue how she's got so good at that!). If these indirect measures do not work well enough, she'll scream out our names to ask why a dish is lying where it is and even though it is very visibly dirty - are we sure we want it cleaned up?

(still not sleepy)

So after all this "hoo-haa" you expect the woman to be really detail oriented when it comes to cleaning up and go berserk if even a tiny spec of dust is visible anywhere in the house. Far cry from that!!! She's frustratingly bad!!!! She fails to see a Big Dark Brown Blotch on a Huge White Coffee Mug!

(Okay I'm beginning to sound very grumpy. Good Sign. But I still am not sleepy. :| )

Good thing the insomnia got me back to the blog though.

I think I'll make a move and try to get at least two hours of sleep.

Will be back! (soon)

Love,

Devil's own

Desultory Mentations

I'm spending a weekday at home after long. I mean a weekday where everyone else is working, and I'm not. Ofcourse there have been public holidays. I have a leave today since exams begin tomorrow. I really want to write - I know not what shall I write though.

The light is coming back to life. Have been spending more time with friends, being more open hearted now. I haven't been analysing everything that everyone says in too deep now. It's too stressful to do that. So have been taking things and people on their face value. Keeps you fresh and going.

I'm supposed to be neck deep in studying right now - but just can't concentrate. Heck.. okay, I'll probably do random things I feel like doing and then try to tie myself down with business management later.

The television is switched on and playing a popular bollywood song. I cannot hear it, since it's muted. But this song is familiar and that is why I recognize it. I wonder why, but I tend to do this often - leave the television and on mute - with random non sensical imagery on its screen. I don't want to unmute it, since I find it not too pleasing to hear.. need some calm. But I refuse to turn it off too. Whilst I am deeply engrossed in looking at the computer screen, reading, on phone, or just lying there. Why do I do this? I don't know. I wonder what sort of comfort it gives me to have multiple rays of light create images of people in colorful outfits jump and scream their guts out - screams I cannot hear... or choose not to.

I'll write later... I'm not thinking clearly right now.

Love,

Devil's Own

Bound and Tagged...

100 Questions...

1. Last drink: water

2. Last phone call : someone from kotak trying to sell insurance to me
3. Last text message: Last 2 days of Crossword Travel Fest. Special offer for all Book Reward members.
4. Last song you listened to: Aaj rapat jaye to humein na uthaiyyo, is playing on TV right now :D
5. Last time you cried: A week back... No I’m not a cry baby. It takes a lot to make me cry, and I NEVER ever cry in public. But you do break down at times, and it’s good to let out pressure building up inside

Have You Ever...

6. Dated someone twice: I have never “dated dated”..

7. Been cheated on? Yes.

8. Kissed someone & regretted it? Nope, you need to be in your senses always so you don’t have any regrets.
9. Lost someone special? yes
10. Been depressed? Yes, and been prescribed anti-depressants. Thankfully, snapped out of it without having to take any of those within days.
11. Been drunk and threw up? Never been drunk, but do intend to get drunk at least once in my lifetime. Wanna know what the fuss is all about.

Four Favourite Colors...

12. Black
13. Gold

14. The color of water. Yes I know it doesn’t have any, but to my eyes it has all the colors in the world and a beautiful looking substance
15. Green, Brown, Blue... ok yes i know i was supposed to write 4 colors, but it’s unfair to the other colors. I like all colors. And no permanent favourites other than black, but have momentary addictions to particular colors from time to time

Firsts...
16. Made new friends: Kindergarten. Ushma, Sudeepti, Abhijeet, Ninad
17. Fallen out of love: Oh yes.
18.Laughed until you cried: Everyday. For some reason I laugh way too much. Snap and I’d laugh
19. Met someone who changed you: This is a difficult one, I feel everyone we meet or see for even a remote instance affects us and the way we think. So I don’t think I have a specific answer to this question. I am what I am because of the life I’ve lived, the things I’ve seen and heard and felt and the people I’ve met.
20. Found out who your true friends were: I’m not sure... I don’t quite analyze and classify friends as true or untrue. All of us are humans, and we hang out with people we like to. There are times that we too fail to stand by someone through the thick and the thin. We need to understand that it’s ok if someone doesn’t stand by you. You need to stand by yourself and still not lose faith. Strong is stronger when alone.

21. Found out someone was talking about you: Oh always. It’s ok. You’ll talk about people, people will talk about you. It’s not always bad even though it’s annoying at times

Have You...

22. Kissed anyone on your friend's list: what friend list?
23. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: what friend list are we talking about?
24. How many kids do you want to have: Dozens! J
25. Do you have any pets: Not yet, but I do intend to have a St. Bernard a little later once I have the space and time
26. Do you want to change your name: It’s a pretty common name yes, but Nope
27. What did you do for your last birthday: Kicked the hell out of my roomie’s personal balti J. No I wasn’t drunk or demented... will probably write about it sometime. But my birthdays aren’t grand celebrations, and for some reasons turn out to be worse than regular days.
28. What time did you wake up today: 0720 hrs

29. What were you doing at midnight last night: Wading through the pages of the latest issue of Vogue
30. Name something you CANNOT wait for: I’m an impatient person, so I can’t wait for anything. But uhmm.. I can’t wait for: a promotion, a car, a house of my own, a huge cute dog of my own, start travelling alone... quite a lot
31. Last time you saw your father: June 2007
32. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: I’m what I am because of the way life’s been. It’s been tough in many patches, but that has taught me a lot and has made me a stronger and a better person. So I don’t want to change my life.
33. Most visited web page: Google devta

What's Your...
34. Name: eh? Nidhi – means treasure
35. Nicknames: I have a 5 letter name, that doesn’t really leave scope for nicknames.. but people call me Nidhu, Nidz, Nidhumal, Nidz, Mithi, Niki, Toofan Mail, Matki, Thinki

36. Zodiac sign: Taurus
37. Male or female or transgender: ???
38. Elementary: SSSVV
39. School: SSSVV

40. Colleges: IIPS DAVV, NMIMS
41.Hair color: Black
42. Long or short: Long
43. Height: 5’6”
44. Do you have a crush on someone? No
45. Ever been in love? Pass...
46. Piercings? Four in each ear
47. Tattoos? Not Yet
48. Righty or lefty: Right handed
49. First surgery: None
50. First piercing: Ear piercings when i was a baby. I don’t remember when
51. First best friend: Sudeepti/Ushma/Pinku
52. First sport you loved: Tennis. (I’m more into video games actually – Mario, Spartan, Galaxian, Lode Runner, Bomber Man, Tetris, Adventure Island, Mortal Kombat, Tekken, AOE et al)
53. First pet: A parrot called Mitthoo.. who we set free after less than a week since we did not want to keep a bird trapped in a tiny cage.
54. First vacation: Simla probably
55. First concert: Parikrama

56. First crush: Pass...

Right Now...
57. Eating: Nothing (I’m super hungry though)
58. Drinking: Nothing
59. I'm about to: Eat Soup
60. Listening to: The pressure cooker whistle
61. Waiting for: Nothing?

Your Future...
62. Want kids? By the DOZENS
63. Want to get married? Sure
64. Careers in mind? Certainly. A lot of things on this list – climb up the corporate ladder, write, edit, paint, travel..

Which is better with the opposite sex...??
65. Lips or eyes: I can’t choose one
66. Hugs or kisses: Both again.
67. Shorter or taller: Much taller preferably 6 feet’ish
68. Older or Younger: Older
69. Romantic or spontaneous: Spontaneously Romantic
70. Nice stomach or nice arms: Abs... Or stomach if you want to call it that. No GI Joes with humongous arms for me :p
71. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive
72. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship
73. Trouble maker or hesitant: Hmmm... hesitant

Have you ever...??
73. Kissed a stranger: Nope
74. Lost glasses/contacts: Never wore any

75. Sex on first Date: Nope
76. Broken someone's heart: I hope not, but I might have. So if I have, it wasn’t intentional
77. Had your own heart broken: Heart broken? I don’t know... I like to call it been let down. Yes.
78. Been arrested: Nope
79. Turned someone down: Yes, quite a few

80. Cried when someone died: Yes
81. Liked a friend that is a girl? ?!?!

DO YOU BELIEVE IN...
82. Yourself: More than anything else
83. Miracles: Yes
84. God: Yes with all my heart. But, to me God is a power that surpasses all. God is not a creature, god does not have a form. I’m not religious, and you won’t see me folding my hands in front of an idol or image of lord everyday. Religious places make me feel peaceful because people believe they’ve come to visit god and the atmosphere is something. I don’t feel the need to be at a place or in a particular position to communicate with God.
85. Love at first sight: Only with a Bag/Dress/Pair of Shoes
86. Heaven: Heaven is where you want to be. If this means one of the two places you go to after you die, Nope.
87. Santa Claus: I would like to believe in him, but no i don’t.
88. Kiss on the first date? I don’t know, like I said.. I’ve never “dated” as such...
89. Angels: I believe in positive energy in/around people
90. Devils: I believe in negative energy in/around people

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY...
91. Is there one person you want to be with right now? I don't know..
92. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? Nope

93. Wanted to kill someone ever? Heheh, we all say – I want to kill that guy!!!! But, No - of course not.
94. Among you blog mates, whom would you like to kiss? Whoever made this set of questions is obsessed with kissing, that might not be the only thing on everyone’s mind all the time no? Haha, no kissing please!

95. Committed a blunder and regretted later? Is there anyone who’s say no to this? We’re human, we make mistakes. Blunder is a synonym for a mistake.
96. Wanted to steal your friend's boyfriend / girlfriend? Nope

ASSOCIATE WITH SOMETHING YOU WEAR...
97. White: A pretty salwar kameez a delighted customer gave to me J
98. Black: half my wardrobe
99. Red: Tee
100. Pink: Nightsuit

Posting this as 100 Truths? Yes. (Weird question)

Ok Karan, There you go. You did wake me up from my slumber, and I’ve completed the tag successfully

Love,

Devil’s Own