I feel miserable, i dont want to cry... maybe i do. i dont know
I feel helpless
Sunday, February 05, 2006
SOS
It is annoying when people expect me to look good all the time, dressed perfectly, with perfect hair and a picture perfect bright expression and a smile on your face? I am sorry I cannot work according to your expectations all the time. People expect you to be perfect all the time, but don’t want you to be better than them. So when you do seem perfect they are jealous and when not, they point fingers and make fun of you. What the heck is their problem? Just get on with your lives and leave me alone.
There are going to be days I’m feeling down, days on which I don’t want to be sweet to everyone, days I don’t wanna listen to the problems in your life, days I am preoccupied with decisions of my life, days I may not wanna pay attention to my hair or my dress, days I don’t wanna be bothered at all.
There are going to be times that the food I cook may be short of salt, there are going to be times I’m going to spill milk while boiling, and there are going to be times I will forget to put sugar in the tea, there are going to be times I over or undercook food. I don’t want to be perfect, or I don’t want you to tell me I should be perfect or less than that. I want to be human.
There are going to be times when my bag gets torn, there are going to be times when my sandals get spoiled, there are going to be times I will want to watch stupid movies which do not seem to have intelligent storylines or perfect direction, there are going to be times I would want to listen to idiotic music, there are going to be times when I will read books that would seem unintelligent, there are going to be days I’ll seem clumsy, there are going to be times when my drawings will turn out to be miserable, there are going to be times I’ll sing cacophony, there are going to be times I’ll be conscious and nervous on stage, there are going to be times I would not know how to get on with a case study or a project, there are going to be times I’ll take bad decisions, there are going to be times when I’d be in a foul mood and want to take out my frustration on someone. I want to be rude to someone. I don’t wanna forgive you for things you do to me. Why do I have to be a nice person? Why?
I don’t wanna have times when I fail to see what people are actually like; I don’t want to be fooled. I don’t want you to get me all emotional and submit to your demands, and keep regretting later. I want to insult people if they humiliate me. I don’t want to be nice. I don’t. Nice people don’t get anywhere. They just get stamped on and run over.
I feel like a pressure cooker with all the steam building up inside me, and will blast some day.
HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLP!!!!
There are going to be days I’m feeling down, days on which I don’t want to be sweet to everyone, days I don’t wanna listen to the problems in your life, days I am preoccupied with decisions of my life, days I may not wanna pay attention to my hair or my dress, days I don’t wanna be bothered at all.
There are going to be times that the food I cook may be short of salt, there are going to be times I’m going to spill milk while boiling, and there are going to be times I will forget to put sugar in the tea, there are going to be times I over or undercook food. I don’t want to be perfect, or I don’t want you to tell me I should be perfect or less than that. I want to be human.
There are going to be times when my bag gets torn, there are going to be times when my sandals get spoiled, there are going to be times I will want to watch stupid movies which do not seem to have intelligent storylines or perfect direction, there are going to be times I would want to listen to idiotic music, there are going to be times when I will read books that would seem unintelligent, there are going to be days I’ll seem clumsy, there are going to be times when my drawings will turn out to be miserable, there are going to be times I’ll sing cacophony, there are going to be times I’ll be conscious and nervous on stage, there are going to be times I would not know how to get on with a case study or a project, there are going to be times I’ll take bad decisions, there are going to be times when I’d be in a foul mood and want to take out my frustration on someone. I want to be rude to someone. I don’t wanna forgive you for things you do to me. Why do I have to be a nice person? Why?
I don’t wanna have times when I fail to see what people are actually like; I don’t want to be fooled. I don’t want you to get me all emotional and submit to your demands, and keep regretting later. I want to insult people if they humiliate me. I don’t want to be nice. I don’t. Nice people don’t get anywhere. They just get stamped on and run over.
I feel like a pressure cooker with all the steam building up inside me, and will blast some day.
HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLP!!!!
I cant think of a title...
After making plans for about two weeks to go watch a movie, my friend and me finally went today and watched ‘Rang de Basanti’. Good movie overall, but some things are pretty stupid and unreal. The defense minister is apparently a corrupt politician, and has been buying cheaper parts for air force fighter planes - MiGs, which have been responsible for many MiG crashes and deaths of the pilots. A friend of theirs who is a MiG pilot dies in a crash, and to avenge that the group of friends decide to kill the defense minister!! I find this stupid, as if defense minister single handedly went to the grocer’s and bought a basket of MiG parts, and no one else is responsible. And that, if they kill him the problem will be solved! Okay, for once I can understand that all of them were full of fury because of the friend’s death. But, the killing was way too simple, and as the movie went about it, it appeared no one had or would have had any clue that they killed him; in fact, the news channels blamed foreign forces for this. Moreover, all they had to do to kill the defense minister of the country was to pick up a gun and shoot the minister while he was very leisurely taking his morning walk on the road without any guards at all, and flee very conveniently without drawing any attention! Although I do not know how the government and this system exactly go on, but I do not believe that killing the defense minister is that easy! Simpler than robbing an empty house.
However, overall, a good watch. Nice movie.
We were running late and reached the movie 5 minutes late, so a lot of confusion about the seats, all the darkness, no one around to direct audience to their seats. Our row was b and we thought it was d, so we entered that row. Then we realized it was b, so we got out of it and entered the wrong column of row b. Confusion all around with more people looking for their seats and entering wrong rows! Aaaaaaaaargh! So finally, we settled in our seats.
We were talking about something in very hush hush voices when we suddenly hear a very loud “LOOSE CONTROL!!”… We were shaken and were in a state of shock for 2 seconds, haha. Then we realized we had a huge speaker above on the wall beside our seats – we were sitting in corner seats.
A couple beside us where the girl probably had recently bought her cell and was continuously fidgeting with it. She did not let the backlight turn off for more than 30 seconds at a stretch. And, after everything she whispered in her boyfriend’s ear, all he had to say was “Oh, SHUT up!” A little while later the tables turned. It was her turn now, and she said “SHUT UP, Ashutosh.” I wanted to say “get out Ashutosh, and take your girlfriend with you!!!” Immediately after that, a kid started wailing uncontrollably. They were silent for a while then, and as soon as the people in the movie killed the defense minister, the soundtrack of kal ho na ho began. I thought how ridiculous can they get. But thankfully (or actually not), it was the ringing tone of a cell that belonged to the guy sitting exactly behind us. Then finally he did us a favor by receiving the call, but he was shouting in my ears as he talked. During the interval, the couple got themselves a pizza, and they girl appeared to be an ogre while she ate it. And this time, I was not the only one amazed – even her boyfriend was staring at her. Peacefully watched the movie for about next 10 minutes, and someone screams “Haha, tujhe Accounts mein sirf Saadhe teen aaye hai”, some one sitting very far in the front of us. And everyone could hear him, and someone shouted “Aur tujhe kitne aaye hai”. Could have been funny, if the couple beside me had let us watch rest of the movie in peace. Then the girl again says something to the guy and this time Mr. Ashutosh goes a step ahead and says… no, actually, Shouts - **** OFF!! I really wanted to slap both of them at that instant. Why were they sitting there at all? Why did they need to talk if this was all they could say?! Anyways, they were not a lot of trouble after that except the irritating backlight of the girl’s cell. They must have stopped talking after that.
So we finished our popcorn and cokes and were out of that crazy place, came back home and sat in my room talking for a while. Somehow, both of us had ended up with bad moods because of our separate reasons and had totally forgotten about the movie within 30 minutes of the movie’s end.
Well, anyways I am doing okay right nowJ. See ya
Regards,
Devil’s own
However, overall, a good watch. Nice movie.
We were running late and reached the movie 5 minutes late, so a lot of confusion about the seats, all the darkness, no one around to direct audience to their seats. Our row was b and we thought it was d, so we entered that row. Then we realized it was b, so we got out of it and entered the wrong column of row b. Confusion all around with more people looking for their seats and entering wrong rows! Aaaaaaaaargh! So finally, we settled in our seats.
We were talking about something in very hush hush voices when we suddenly hear a very loud “LOOSE CONTROL!!”… We were shaken and were in a state of shock for 2 seconds, haha. Then we realized we had a huge speaker above on the wall beside our seats – we were sitting in corner seats.
A couple beside us where the girl probably had recently bought her cell and was continuously fidgeting with it. She did not let the backlight turn off for more than 30 seconds at a stretch. And, after everything she whispered in her boyfriend’s ear, all he had to say was “Oh, SHUT up!” A little while later the tables turned. It was her turn now, and she said “SHUT UP, Ashutosh.” I wanted to say “get out Ashutosh, and take your girlfriend with you!!!” Immediately after that, a kid started wailing uncontrollably. They were silent for a while then, and as soon as the people in the movie killed the defense minister, the soundtrack of kal ho na ho began. I thought how ridiculous can they get. But thankfully (or actually not), it was the ringing tone of a cell that belonged to the guy sitting exactly behind us. Then finally he did us a favor by receiving the call, but he was shouting in my ears as he talked. During the interval, the couple got themselves a pizza, and they girl appeared to be an ogre while she ate it. And this time, I was not the only one amazed – even her boyfriend was staring at her. Peacefully watched the movie for about next 10 minutes, and someone screams “Haha, tujhe Accounts mein sirf Saadhe teen aaye hai”, some one sitting very far in the front of us. And everyone could hear him, and someone shouted “Aur tujhe kitne aaye hai”. Could have been funny, if the couple beside me had let us watch rest of the movie in peace. Then the girl again says something to the guy and this time Mr. Ashutosh goes a step ahead and says… no, actually, Shouts - **** OFF!! I really wanted to slap both of them at that instant. Why were they sitting there at all? Why did they need to talk if this was all they could say?! Anyways, they were not a lot of trouble after that except the irritating backlight of the girl’s cell. They must have stopped talking after that.
So we finished our popcorn and cokes and were out of that crazy place, came back home and sat in my room talking for a while. Somehow, both of us had ended up with bad moods because of our separate reasons and had totally forgotten about the movie within 30 minutes of the movie’s end.
Well, anyways I am doing okay right nowJ. See ya
Regards,
Devil’s own
Sunday, January 29, 2006
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Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Once upon a time...
No no dont be scared, I won't start narrating a fairytale here. A comment I got on a post of mine titled "D-I-S-C-O" reminded me of this incident and i thought i'll write about it here.
When I was in the first year of college we had this teacher who had a really bad language... i mean she could hardly speak one sentence in proper english
Once, our whole class had been given a case study to work on, and while discussing it everyone was in a rush to talk about his or her own analysis and conclusions. so it had really become quite noisy and everyone was speaking all at once.
Suddenly our teacher shouts at the top her voice. She says "ONCE UPON A TIME!!!". All of us turned and looked at her... we were really puzzled. Pin-drop silence in the class. Excuse me? what's with this story telling? We are in the middle of a case study! Once upon a time what? Everyone is staring at her blankly waiting for her to continue, and she's staring back with anger in her eyes. What's going on? why doesn't she continue? once upon a time what?!
Then she stares at us for about 5 seconds and begins with the case study again. Hello? what happened once upon a time?
After a lot of thinking we realised that she actually meant "One at a time"!!! hahaha
I sometimes wonder do I laugh or do I bang my head against the wall when things like these happen.
Regards
Devil's own
When I was in the first year of college we had this teacher who had a really bad language... i mean she could hardly speak one sentence in proper english
Once, our whole class had been given a case study to work on, and while discussing it everyone was in a rush to talk about his or her own analysis and conclusions. so it had really become quite noisy and everyone was speaking all at once.
Suddenly our teacher shouts at the top her voice. She says "ONCE UPON A TIME!!!". All of us turned and looked at her... we were really puzzled. Pin-drop silence in the class. Excuse me? what's with this story telling? We are in the middle of a case study! Once upon a time what? Everyone is staring at her blankly waiting for her to continue, and she's staring back with anger in her eyes. What's going on? why doesn't she continue? once upon a time what?!
Then she stares at us for about 5 seconds and begins with the case study again. Hello? what happened once upon a time?
After a lot of thinking we realised that she actually meant "One at a time"!!! hahaha
I sometimes wonder do I laugh or do I bang my head against the wall when things like these happen.
Regards
Devil's own
Morally impaired
I had come across the term ‘open relationship’ somewhere some time back, don’t remember where, and couldn’t understand what that meant. Not single, not attached, but in an open relationship. I thought the term sounded weird, but didn’t go any deeper into it to understand the meaning. A few days back, there was a newspaper article on the topic – redefining monogamy. It said that open relationships are the in thing, not with yuppie college goers, but with civilized married couples. Not just in the Cosmo part of the country and the world but even in the small towns like Ambala, Meerut et al. I was aghast. I was shocked. I thought that article must be by a witty columnist making fun of it, or at least one that depicted the deteriorating lifestyles, and completely morally impaired people that are hopelessly and continuously devaluing human relationships. But what is the world coming to! It actually advocated the issue in positive light and how it cures boredom and monotony in the life of married couples. I’d rather not marry at all if I had to live this kind of a life, or face even a nanosecond of it.
But first, for those of you who have been unaware of this new trend like me, here’s an introduction to the basics of open marriage, also known as managed monogamy (!!!). This makes it sound filthier to me… managed monogamy?! What rubbish. Administration and management at home to run the marriage smoothly?! Provide benefits and incentives to ensure job satisfaction at home?! Here’s a part from that article.
*****
“New age couples are defining their out-of-marriage encounters as part of managed monogamy, where the spouse approves all external romantic and sexual encounters. According to a report, couples shouldn’t take monogamy for granted. Instead, they should take the urge to stray for granted. For couples who want to be in the happily-ever-after category, this is the new truth…
… It’s a positive trend, as it allows couples to look at inadequacies in their relationship and seek sexual and romantic partners who can fulfill them…
… Most couples explain that they’re switching to managed monogamy as short-term adventure that will prevent them from straying away forever…
… Says naina, ‘… Yes I am having an affair with my colleague. I discussed this with my husband and he’s okay about my dating this guy. Aditya has a crush of his own, so he’s actually quite preoccupied with her. We both understand our ‘other’ attractions as for us it is a mutual decision to date other people and yet remain married to each other.’”
*****
Excusez moi, why get married in the first place if you cant live with one person all your life?
Crush? Dating? MAN! Outrageous! Prevent them from straying forever? Ha! What more is left to stray from? It is shameful enough to read about it, and when I think of how are they going to raise children and what are they going to teach them I get all dizzy. Either the children would be completely ashamed of their parents, or they’ll be as morally impaired as their parents. Both these situations aren’t healthy. I hope these ultra hip couples remain busy with their dating and affairs and choose not to have children. I still don’t understand, that when it is so difficult to stay with one person, WHY is the need to get married? Social or financial or emotional security?! Disgusting!
If this is urbanization or modernization, then I’d rather live in the middle ages.
Man very tactfully finds explanations to vindicate everything he wants to do. Not that he would stay away from it thinking it to be bad if it is not justified, just that if it is justified it will be convenient and hassle free for him, keeping him completely devoid of guilt feeling, and any blames. This is exactly why there can never be anything which can be termed as good or bad. Something is bad only until it finds explanations and justifications for being necessary or unavoidable, or at least acceptable, and then it handily transforms first into a necessary evil, and then into something good or atleast something pretty normal. But shouldn’t there be a limit to this? But of course, who will set the limit? But, to think of it, isn’t that what morals and ethics are supposed to do? Aren’t they supposed to put boundaries where man’s greed fails?
But first, for those of you who have been unaware of this new trend like me, here’s an introduction to the basics of open marriage, also known as managed monogamy (!!!). This makes it sound filthier to me… managed monogamy?! What rubbish. Administration and management at home to run the marriage smoothly?! Provide benefits and incentives to ensure job satisfaction at home?! Here’s a part from that article.
*****
“New age couples are defining their out-of-marriage encounters as part of managed monogamy, where the spouse approves all external romantic and sexual encounters. According to a report, couples shouldn’t take monogamy for granted. Instead, they should take the urge to stray for granted. For couples who want to be in the happily-ever-after category, this is the new truth…
… It’s a positive trend, as it allows couples to look at inadequacies in their relationship and seek sexual and romantic partners who can fulfill them…
… Most couples explain that they’re switching to managed monogamy as short-term adventure that will prevent them from straying away forever…
… Says naina, ‘… Yes I am having an affair with my colleague. I discussed this with my husband and he’s okay about my dating this guy. Aditya has a crush of his own, so he’s actually quite preoccupied with her. We both understand our ‘other’ attractions as for us it is a mutual decision to date other people and yet remain married to each other.’”
*****
Excusez moi, why get married in the first place if you cant live with one person all your life?
Crush? Dating? MAN! Outrageous! Prevent them from straying forever? Ha! What more is left to stray from? It is shameful enough to read about it, and when I think of how are they going to raise children and what are they going to teach them I get all dizzy. Either the children would be completely ashamed of their parents, or they’ll be as morally impaired as their parents. Both these situations aren’t healthy. I hope these ultra hip couples remain busy with their dating and affairs and choose not to have children. I still don’t understand, that when it is so difficult to stay with one person, WHY is the need to get married? Social or financial or emotional security?! Disgusting!
If this is urbanization or modernization, then I’d rather live in the middle ages.
Man very tactfully finds explanations to vindicate everything he wants to do. Not that he would stay away from it thinking it to be bad if it is not justified, just that if it is justified it will be convenient and hassle free for him, keeping him completely devoid of guilt feeling, and any blames. This is exactly why there can never be anything which can be termed as good or bad. Something is bad only until it finds explanations and justifications for being necessary or unavoidable, or at least acceptable, and then it handily transforms first into a necessary evil, and then into something good or atleast something pretty normal. But shouldn’t there be a limit to this? But of course, who will set the limit? But, to think of it, isn’t that what morals and ethics are supposed to do? Aren’t they supposed to put boundaries where man’s greed fails?
As the line in the song ' Affirmation' by savage garden goes... 'i believe that trust is more important than monogamy'... yeah sure it is. but not that monogamy isn't important. And i cannot trust people who indulge or even believe in "managed monogamy"!!! Honesty is a virtue, yes. But honesty won't get you anywhere if you are doing unethical things. Kill someone and be honest about it, betray your spouse and be honest about it! NO dude! it doesn not work that way.
Not that people didn’t stray or have extra marital affairs without this concept of managed monogamy, but now they have a public license to do as they please and be proud of it and flaunt it. Guilt comes nowhere in the picture, as the couple is aware of what the spouses are up to, and all they will do about it is find themselves a date too. The concept of family has been totally lost here. Nobody has the benefit of blaming the spouse for cheating because there’s nothing hidden here, nothing secret. I wish there arises an ethical revolution which gets everyone back to their senses and save them from doom. As for me, I’m pretty content with my old fashioned ways.
Not that people didn’t stray or have extra marital affairs without this concept of managed monogamy, but now they have a public license to do as they please and be proud of it and flaunt it. Guilt comes nowhere in the picture, as the couple is aware of what the spouses are up to, and all they will do about it is find themselves a date too. The concept of family has been totally lost here. Nobody has the benefit of blaming the spouse for cheating because there’s nothing hidden here, nothing secret. I wish there arises an ethical revolution which gets everyone back to their senses and save them from doom. As for me, I’m pretty content with my old fashioned ways.
Regards,
Devil's own
Oops!
I was coming back home with my friend from somewhere. We were discussing something and we began arguing, we were annoyed, and she was really bugged and frustrated because of something. We were totally engrossed with our discussion and didn’t realize we were on the road. Actually the volume was pretty fine for the road as long as we were driving. Had we been speaking in a lower volume we wouldn’t have been able to hear our own voices coz of the roar of vehicles, the horns, the air rushing past, and of course… as it was the day before 26th January – the republic day, there were patriotic songs blaring out of the loudspeakers and horn shaped things everywhere which was pretty irritating. I hate it even when people play bhajans and prayers at loud volumes for everyone in a 3 mile radius to hear. I can’t stand that! Fine, you have faith, you are singing praise of your gods, and you are praying, but why can’t you keep it personal??? Why disturb everyone else? Not that I have anything against prayers and bhajans, just that I can’t understand all the shouting and screaming and it doesn’t even sound like music anymore. Besides, I don’t understand what people are trying to achieve by sitting in front of god’s picture and shout and blare for hours. I don’t think anyone can find peace in that. I am a believer in god too, but it is a personal matter to me. Now look how I have completely drifted away from the topic I was talking about!
Yeah, so we were lost in our conversation and we arrived at a traffic signal, still talking. She was telling me how bugged and how bad she was feeling, and I said “Why?” She said “Because...”, and she paused and turned to look at me. I was confused for a nanosecond, and then realized everyone around had turned their heads towards us and were staring at us as if waiting to hear further. Like everyone is looking at us and saying “Yeah, tell us why? We are also interested!”. We were totally embarrassed, and had stopped talking and staring at the people around. There was an elderly couple on our left, where the lady was staring at us while holding her saree so that it didn’t slip off her head, a college going dude to our right who had lifted his helmet’s flap (whatever it is called) and looking at us with curious eyes, a kid to sitting behind his dad and staring at us was in front of us to the right, two petrol pump attendants beside him, two girls beside the petrol pump attendants. I didn’t have the heart to turn around and look at more faces staring at us. I wanted to disappear. I just dug my head in my friend’s shoulder… haha… she didn’t even have that advantage. She was driving she couldn’t even cover her face with her hands. The 70 or so seconds that we had to wait at the signal seemed like an eternity, and we couldn’t wait to run away from there. We were thankful to god when we got to escape from that place, and five minutes later were laughing so bad our faces hurt, and we had tears in our eyes from the laughing. And I thought this just happened in movies!
Things that happen to me!
Yeah, so we were lost in our conversation and we arrived at a traffic signal, still talking. She was telling me how bugged and how bad she was feeling, and I said “Why?” She said “Because...”, and she paused and turned to look at me. I was confused for a nanosecond, and then realized everyone around had turned their heads towards us and were staring at us as if waiting to hear further. Like everyone is looking at us and saying “Yeah, tell us why? We are also interested!”. We were totally embarrassed, and had stopped talking and staring at the people around. There was an elderly couple on our left, where the lady was staring at us while holding her saree so that it didn’t slip off her head, a college going dude to our right who had lifted his helmet’s flap (whatever it is called) and looking at us with curious eyes, a kid to sitting behind his dad and staring at us was in front of us to the right, two petrol pump attendants beside him, two girls beside the petrol pump attendants. I didn’t have the heart to turn around and look at more faces staring at us. I wanted to disappear. I just dug my head in my friend’s shoulder… haha… she didn’t even have that advantage. She was driving she couldn’t even cover her face with her hands. The 70 or so seconds that we had to wait at the signal seemed like an eternity, and we couldn’t wait to run away from there. We were thankful to god when we got to escape from that place, and five minutes later were laughing so bad our faces hurt, and we had tears in our eyes from the laughing. And I thought this just happened in movies!
Things that happen to me!
Regards,
Devil's own
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