Hoping for hope to die...

Sometimes hope can be a barrier in your life. If hope weren't there you would realize what is actually happening and stand up and take certain decisions. Hope makes you cling to things, which in its absense do/will not make any sense. Hope makes things unclear. It makes you overlook the past and the present and only focus on a miraculous future. Wheareas, rationally thinking, there's no reason or chance that things will happen the way you want. Losing hope hurts... hurts bad... but in one go.. it doesnt make u miserable every now and then..
Once you recover, you become a stronger person..
As Nietszche said "What does not kill me makes me stronger"
When things are going down the drain, hope appears out of thin air for no reason at all and makes you lose perspective. We are only humans, we are weak, we are feeble.. and maybe God gives us hope to put some strength in us to move on.. but it makes you hang on to non-existent things.. which will not help you in the long run.
I guess hope's not all that good.

Give me strength god.. help me

Listen to the song i've been listening to all day today


Where were you when I was burned and broken
While the days slipped by from my window watching
Where were you when I was hurt and I was helpless
Because the things you say and the things you do surround me
While you were hanging yourself on someone elses words
Dying to believe in what you heard
I was staring straight into the shining sun

Lost in thought and lost in time
While the seeds of live and the seeds of change were planted

Outside the rain fell dark and slow
While I pondered on this dangerous but
I took a heavenly ride through one silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life

I took a heavenly ride trough our silence
I knew the waiting had begin
And headed straight... into the shining sun

Pink Floyd - Coming Back To Life

Regards,

Devil's own

The Reason Is You...

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you

And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You [x4]

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

Love this song....

Love,

Devil's Own

Bubble gum? yes!

Good Thinking God!! :)

Regards,

Devil's Own

Torn

They looked at the chocolate with denuded eyes as I held it in my hand and fiddled with the wrapper. They stood there and kept looking. I couldn't make myself eat it after catching a glance of the stripped naked yearning in their eyes. The girl must have been 6 and her little brother - 3. I turned and walked towards them.. as I reached near, they looked scared.. scared that I might yell at them, or shoo them away. I sat on my knees as I reached them and asked them if they'd like to have the chocolate... no reaction... wrong question.. they were scared and now puzzled. I held her tightly clenched fist and tried to open it.. she loosened her grip and let me.. i kept the chocolate there.. and a faint smile appeared on her face... for just about a nanosecond.. but somehow i managed to see it. She held her brother's hand and lifted it up for me to keep the chocolate there... i did as she desired and walked away.. I turned after walking a little distance and turned.. they were still there.. standing still... then she helped him unwrap the chocolate, divided it into two parts and gave the bigger share to her brother. They smiled and looked at each other as they ate it. They looked up at me again... too skeptical to smile.

Regards,

Devil's own

already???

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarghhhhh!!!!!!!!
I can't view my blog!!!!!!!

Freedom of expression

The Indian government wants to block certain blog sites, which include blogspot too. I can still access my account, but my friend in Mumbai has already lost access. All this jazz is happening because they found certain pages where there where opinions expressed which were obviously not praising the government policies/functioning. They are the authority, they have the power to block the modes of expression, but there's no way they can change the way people think. What do they think? If people mouth anti-government opinions on phone they'll block phone lines?? I don't even understand why such an issue is being made out of such a miniscule thing... and this is what will blow things out of proportion. Blocking those particular pages they found objectionable would have been bad enough.. but they're going to block the complete sites and prevent anyone to host blogs! People will find other ways to express themselves.. this really will not help. And whatever happened to freedom of expression?? So what if certain people do not agree with everything that's going on? and for every extremist opinion expressed on a blog, there are at least five other opinions expressed which are opposite of that in the first place. A healthy interaction goes on. what's the fuss all about? The goverment can also study these and find what their people are like, what they want and how satisfied or not their people are.

It's shameful to see how the government of the largest democracy in the world functions.

Regards,

Devil's own

Tottering Philanderers

I am always surprised when supposedly respectable men, at an age when they're supposed to be worried sick about their children's future/careers/marriage go around making passes at girls less than half their age. They follow them around, trouble and embarass them notwithstanding their greying hair, wives at home and kids who aren't even kids anymore. If questioned, they pretty easily get off the hook by pretending their intentions were totally misunderstood, and that they were only trying to help/advise... and that how in the world could such an outrageous remark be made about them - afterall, the girl/s are kids and just like their own daughters! This whole scenario draws out an immense amount of disgust from within me!

It is of course uncomfortable and disturbing enough when loafers and hooligans make trouble for women.. but at least it is more or less what is expected out of these people. They can be shooed away, they can be slapped, help can be called for. But in the other scenario, there isn't much that can be done. They can much easily dodge any aquisitions.No matter what, they've lived long enough to know the world better than college going bums, and also have much less confusion and fear about everything. This makes it easier for them to carry on, and tougher to make them stop. I do agree that their is a considerably low percentage of men who do these things as compared to young guys (at least that is how i see it), but these are the same people who go around criticising and blabbering how difficult and irresponsible the younger generation is.

I've seen it a whole lotta times - these men chasing girls... actually even experienced it myself.. thank goodness it has been limited to them driving ahead, maintaining their pace and adjusting their rear-view mirrors - or maybe following you for a while... and that was bad enough... but i've been lucky. I pity their wives and families at home who are proud of these men, and totally unaware of things they are upto. Maybe some wives are even aware - I pity them even more, because they are not even going to give a thought to rebel/go agaisnt/leave their husbands. Can't even blame them for that though. They've been raised in a way and believed that they are totally dependant on men. This also reminds me of a quote by Helen Rowland in her book 'Reflections of a Bachelor girl':

"When you see what some girls marry, you realise how they must hate to work for a living"

I do agree - a lot of women depend on men not because they have no other choice, but, because it is much more convenient this way, than to go out in the big bad world and work themselves. Here they're protected and have the things they need served in a platter - so what fi their husbands are totally detestable, haven't matured a bit or learnt anything from their lives even after five decades of life. And this is not about the flashy rich men, got nothing to do with it... even their counterparts behave in this manner... maybe more than the former - because they have social circles and are virtually living their lives in the way they would like others to see.

Time is the greatest teacher they say... any greater teachers around?

Regards,

Devil's Own

Saddled

A few days back i met this person... i instantly felt there was something weird about him. His eyes looked tired and afraid, he looked unsure when he talked, scared of the judgements of the world, and yet trying to give the impression that he was smart, confident , cool, carefree and loaded with knowledge... esp about psychology. But when i looked at him, he looked very afraid of what might/might not happen tomorrow... and he had grudges against the whole world for not letting his life become what he wanted it to be... for makng him make bad choices.

As he got talking, he had trouble looking at anyone in he eye... yet making sure he looked everyone straight into the eyes, and not flinch even once. When someone tried to put his own point forward while we were in a discussion... he behaved in a set pattern everytime. First, he pretended to listen.. and then dodge whoever besides him had anything to say... but when he thought he wasnt foing it too well, he tried to make the person feel inferior and insult him by not even paying attention.. raising his volume further and continuing to talk. Opposition to any point he made, made him totally uncomfortable and uneasy.

At first I felt anger when he didn't let anyone speak... but then I felt bad for him, because, I thought there must be such a lot of chaos and discomfort in his mind. I could sense that he didn't feel belonged and accepted. Bearing a feeling of inferiority in his mind... he tried to overcome that. He must have started to make efforts to make people feel small and intimidate them. He must have had to make such a lot of effort to bridge the gap between the two extremes in his mind. Afraid and conscious what anyone would think about him, trying to please everyone, yet telling himself... and everyone around... that he wasnt concerned abt anyone or anything in the world.

Going to a shrink has such a lot of stigma attached to it in our country... that let alone the people

who are afraid to go and talk to a counceller because people might think he's weak..... But, people actually start believing there is no need to take help... that they are strong enough at anytime to run their lives themselves. True... no one else can run your life for you... but there's no harm trying to ease your discomfort by letting someone help... actually... when you go to a shrink... you dont even need to call it help... they are paid services.

I believe it takes more courage to accept the weaknesses and take steps to solve the problems... of course, that is after you accept that yes, a problem does exist; than to tell everyone and yourself that there is no problem... and that... if there ever was, they dont need help. But yes, suffering in the latter case is far greater.

The society exists to make lives of the people who make it better - and not so that individuals have to modify their lives as per the convenience of the society. Yes, I do believe that there are certain ways and unwritten codes of conduct that you need to and should follow because we live in an interdependent civilization. But we also need to remember that it is more important to run your live in a manner that is satisfactory for you and people concerned and be happy than to pretend and make people believe it is so...

Regards,

Devil's own

A Talk to remember

I met an old gentleman today while I had gone to the vegetable vendor with my friend to quickly pick up some veggies for the curry being prepared at home. He was wearing a suit, and a cap of the same grey color typical of the northern hilly regions of the country. As I walked to the stall, he caught my attention. He looked very old, but yet his eyes weren't tired, they had a youth in them. He was standing there, smiling, looking at the fresh vegetables when I asked the seller how much the drumsticks cost. As he answered, the old man told him "oh! don't you fool the children. I know these do not cost that much"... Then he turned to me and explained how to identify the good ones from the bad; which ones taste better in the curry... then as if his mind went back to recall the taste, he looked up at the sky and then looked back and said that he loved eating them. He closed his eyes for a few seconds as if to relish the taste in his mind.

He was really enjoying talking to us... and of course, so were we :). As the conversation moved on, he told us he was from Badrinath, which is a famous pilgrimage of India, and from what I've seen on television and read - A very beautiful place and a treat for the senses. He was in the city to celebrate the birth of his great grandchild, and he was 87 years old.

He was quite happy and jolly and he seemed very content with his life. He said he had happily lived his life, and for a longer time than he expected to, and now he wished and prayed for the later generations to live their life fully.

My attention drifted to the vegetables again, and then I asked him what he was there to buy. He threw his hand in the air and said oh nothing! I was just walking past and I saw these lovely karelas (bittergourds). So I thought I'll go have a look at them, and chat a while with the vendor.

It was truly a pleasure talking to him, and my heart was content and I had a smile on my face for a long time after my encounter with him. He asked me what I was studying, and he smiled and said you'll be a 'big' person a few years from now, and that people will look upto me. And I felt happy when he said that. We told him that we had been friends since kindergarten, and he grinned, as if a granddad looking at his grandchildren with pride in his eyes. Then he again told us a little about himself, and that he was taking a stroll across the streets, and that he liked it bst, when he was in places of worship. He was on his way to the vaishnodevi temple a few blocks ahead.

He left me with a lot of blessings and good wishes and a heart full of mirth. It was a treat to meet him; and someday, when I am his age, I hope even I can look back at the years I lived, and smile and be satisfied with the way I lived, and then pass on my wishes and the lessons that I learnt to the generation that will be.

As he was leaving I said 'It was a pleasure meeting you uncle'. And he quickly turned and said 'oh! you're so young, you're like my grandchildren. Don't call me uncle, call me Dadaji (grandpa)' And I smiled and bid Dadaji adieu.

I watched him as he walked on and disappeared from my sight.... and I smiled....

Love,

Devil's own

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Regards,

Devil's own

Chew over these

Of late I have been collecting quotes and noting them down in my diary, and I have a pretty fine collection now. I have taken the quotes from newspapers, magazines, comic strips, books, posters, and even some from fictional novels. When I come across a statement which makes so much sense to me, I jot is down. I am very impressed by the huge meaning and implications that the small lines can hold. A lot of times, a single line – a small set of words triggers a whole new thought process, and at other times they are things I already know and believe in and stand by, but I love the manner in which they have been expressed. Here I have posted some of those that I liked most.

“There’s no problem so big that it can’t be run away from”

“The best way to avoid responsibility is to say, “I’ve got responsibilities”

“Sometimes when almost everything is going wrong, one thing is so right; you would do it all over again”

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear”

“Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak. Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen”

“A positive attitude may not solve all your problems but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort”

“A million women rose to their feet with the cry ‘we will not be dictated to’ and promptly became stenographers”

“There’s no one way to dance. And that is kind of my philosophy about everything”

“If you reveal your secrets to the wind; you should not blame the wind for revealing it to the trees”

“Parents wonder why the streams are bitter when they themselves have poisoned the fountain”

“Experience: That most brutal of all teachers. But you learn, my God you do learn”

“We are loved for not we are, but what we are fancied to be”

“It’s all right letting yourself go, as long as you can get yourself back”

“Life has a way of reinforcing all your worst assessments of yourself”

Here’s a paragraph from a book I recently read. I firmly agree with this:
“You can understand and relate to most people better if you look at them – no matter how impressive they may be – as if they are children. For most of us never really grow up or mature all that much – we simply grow taller. Oh, to be sure we laugh less and play less and wear uncomfortable disguises like adults; but beneath the costume is the child we always are, whose needs are simple, whose daily life is still best described by fairy tales”

Ponder over these. They make a lot of sense.

Regards,

Devil’s own

ALONE

From childhood’s hour I have not been
As others were – I have not seen
As others saw – I could not bring
My passions from a common spring –
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow – I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone –
And all I lov’d – I lov’d alone

-Edgar Allan Poe

(Un)Holy Matrimony

An ad in the matrimonial section of the Sunday newspaper:
***
Engr. Dr. Parents seek alliance for daughter 30/158, fair, Mgmt, PG, XLRI, MNC, Mumbai, 15 lacs p.a.
***
I do not understand why they mentioned the girl’s salary in the ad. No doubt, her pay is definitely impressive, but aren’t they putting it their as a bait to lure people? Wouldn’t people with the wrong intentions approach them? How can the girl’s parents be sure that the guys who respond and the guy they choose did not just decide to approach them because the girl earns good money? What if they choose the wrong person? Would they have got as many responses as they would have through this ad had they not mentioned the salary? As important as doing the right thing is doing it for the right reasons. Marriage one of the most important decisions of anyone’s life no matter what kind of a person he or she is or how ambitious, career minded, or home loving anyone is. The foundation of marriage itself cannot be affirmed here. Would the girl get respect from her spouse if she loses her job or stops working and does not earn as much? Maybe she would, but isn’t it better to be sure?

I strongly believe that marriage is a very important and a very crucial decision and so is who and why you marry. People say they don’t have time to pay attention to anything except their career/ ambition/ achieving a certain goal. That it is not important who they marry. Wouldn’t they be working while staying married all their life? Wouldn’t marriage and career be two aspects of your life? Then why not do justice to the decision and pay the attention it requires? The most important thing is that the two people getting married are compatible and love each other. If the parents make the match, then at least like and respect each other.

Money is the worst possible reason to get married. Maybe initially the marriage feels like a bed of roses, but some years down the lane the money would mean nothing at all. Yes, it is important that you have sufficient money, but you will be happier with a decent life and a spouse who loves you and you love instead of a luxurious life and a lifeless relationship with the spouse.

Regards,

Devil’s own

Give me Strength

What do you count on when everything in your life is going wrong? Why should you hope when intelligence tells you that it is not going to happen? Where does hope come from? Why do you keep telling yourself everything will work out fine when you don’t even recall the last time things were going right? Why do you depend so much on someone that your life seems worthless without your person? Why do you ask questions whose answers you are afraid of and then break into tears every time you realize that the answers haven’t changed? Why are you afraid of death? And why is death called the easy way out? If death is so easy why is everyone so scared of dying? Why should someone not be allowed to choose whether he wants to live or die? Where is my guardian angel? What will give you happiness when your family, your career, your health and your relationships don’t? Why can’t you turn back time? Why are the things you want the most get out of your reach? Help me God, give me wisdom, and give me strength.

Regards,

Devil's Own

Ruckus

I just cannot understand why the heck was that song ever composed! Every time I hear the song or watch it on television it makes me wanna get up and throw the TV out of the balcony, seriously! Or to quote F.R.I.E.N.D.S., it makes me want to put my fingers through my eyes into my brain and swirl it around! I am talking about this new smash hit by Himesh Reshamiya called Jhalak Dikhla Ja, and featuring Emran Hashmi – the icing on the cake! Himesh Reshamiya and Emran Hashmi certainly look like they were meant to be together, but some place else…ummm, like… the jungles of South Africa… or maybe the Sahara desert… just somewhere away from humankind. Himesh Reshamiya with his nosy voice, unkempt beard and his stupid cap is so damn annoying, plus the snobbish yet attempting to appear down-to-earthish attitude. How could he just become a music director? I don’t even find him fit to be a playback singer. And then there’s mister serial kisser of the Indian film industry – Mr. Emran Hashmi with his bent neck and retarded stare who apparently thinks of himself as a hunk. I really cant even put it into words how… ugh… disgusting I find him. Why does he keep getting roles? Maybe its not just these two people, the complete song is appalling somehow. What furthermore irritates me is that the moronic song is topping charts in countdown shows on so many channels and also is the current rage for dancers everywhere – shaadis, discotheques and even holi functions!!! Kids, college goers – everyone seems to love that song, then why do I hate it that much? I live at a place where there are quite a few marriage halls nearby, and the people in the apartment in front of ours are way too social. The people have a get together every week for no reason at all. Well I wouldn’t have any problem with that had they kept their excitement a bit low and not installed that huge sound and speaker system each time they decide to party, and play that lovely song with drunk and pot bellied grown up men, their wives, the children, the youngsters everyone dancing around and screaming and shouting. I wonder how they get away with it and how come no one complains about the volume. I have to turn the volume of my computer way too high to be able to listen to it after closing the main door of the house, the dining room and then the door to my bedroom. Oh god, now look I have totally drifted from the topic.Bottom-line is I loathe and I abhor the song!!!!! It is so repugnant!! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargghhh!!!!!! And I just want all the copies of the cassettes, cds, and whatever devices have that song stored and of course Himesh Reshamiya and Emran Hashmi to be thrown into the grand canyon or maybe the pacific ocean. Can anyone help me?

Regards,

Devil's own

Lip Service

It is so convenient to keep people content and satisfied by being diplomatic. Express agreement on whatever they have to say with or without actual conviction. Really, it doesn’t take much to keep people happy and maintain good relations with them, just in case you might need them later! All it takes is lack of dignity, self respect and a few more similar virtues. Of course, I understand there are sometimes when you just have to be a diplomatist, and there have been times in my life too when I should have and could have just smiled and nodded and excused myself from situations I would rather not have been in. But I guess I am too stubborn to compromise on my self respect. So, I just have to go ahead and say what I actually think and get myself in a mess. But at least I am not ashamed of myself then. I have been true to myself. Hypocrisy prevails. I guess a lot of people would think that why should I make an issue out of that. Everybody keeps everybody happy, and moves on. I really don’t know why, but when someone does that with me it frustrates me. I just cannot play along. I feel like screaming and shaking the person and telling him why can’t you just be yourself? Why do you have to be so fake? Just go ahead and do what you want, say what you want. Disagree with me; tell me you think I am wrong. I am not a 450 pound sumo wrestler, I will not kill you. Maybe we would end up arguing. But would you not feel lighter once you have spoken your mind? Stood up for what you believe in? If you are not answerable to me, it is fine. Tell me you do not feel the need to explain your actions to me. For heaven’s sake don’t try to win everybody’s vote. At least not by being so fake. Get a grip. Accept that there will be people who do not agree with you. Ah, what a perfect world it would have been if everyone thought alike, and everyone agreed with each other on everything. But that is not the reality. People have different point of views. Be strong enough to face conflicts, difference of opinions, disagreement and contradictions. It is okay if everyone who knows you does not praise you. You’ll be respected for standing up for your beliefs. People will not tell you they respect you. But be true to yourself, they will; even if they dislike you. And may be there are people who do not even respect you, but wouldn’t you be able to respect yourself? Why the hell is the need to go out of your way to make people think you are something that you are not? God! I don’t know what all I am blabbering. I probably have been repeating the same thing in the whole post.

I do not think you need to tell everyone exactly what is going on in your mind. But how can you not be true to yourself, leave alone other people? I for one will actually end up in a serious identity crisis if I try maintaining different identities when with different people. It is okay with me if there are people who dislike me, and contradict me. At least the people who do like me, like me for who I really am. I do not have to put up masks. If people dislike me, they dislike my actual self, and if they like me, they like the real me. This has always been an issue with me. For me to like anyone, the person should not be fake. Be what you want to be. Scream, shout, cry, dance around, be foolish, be egoistic, dance around, laugh out loud, succeed, fail whatever. Just be who you are, and I will respect you. Don’t try to be someone you are not, don’t try to imitate anyone. Everyone is special in their own way.

Be subtle in your ways. Don’t be too harsh on anyone, don’t be too rude, and don’t hurt anyone. If there are times you have to, you cannot help it – go ahead. You are not expected to be a saint. But stand up for what you believe in. have faith in yourself. If you can do something, you can. You do not have to prove yourself for every other person. When you have to, you know you just have to.

People I am not trying to preach. Forgive me if I sound that way. I have used ‘you’ everywhere, but I am kind of thinking out loud here. I can never have a career in politics! :)

Regards,

Devil's own

The monk who had nothing better to do

I read Ernest Hemingway’s Old man and the sea. Nice book, I mean not bad. It is just a 100 page book, but still is a bit slow. The moral of the story is pretty good too. How difficult a problem is depends upon how you see it. But I failed to understand why the author was honored with a Nobel Prize for literature for this book. Perhaps, he was given the Nobel Prize for his entire works. If that is so, then I cannot comment, as this is the only work of his that I have read. Actually, come to think of it, most award winning novels are not very impressive. I mean impressive to me. I begin thinking what exactly are their criteria for a book qualifying for a booker or a Nobel or something? Who in the world judges these books? The most talked about books generally turn out to be disasters. I had wanted to read The Monk who sold his Ferrari by Robin Sharma for so long. I picked up the book yesterday and it was a big disappointment. According to the back cover of the book, the author is one of North America’s most electrifying speakers… well, I was electrified alright!! I didn’t even have the patience to just browse through the whole book. It was way too boring. The author being an Indian had just tried to sell India in the book, and has topped it with enormous helpings of things like spirituality and the like. It is a mystic land, sages and the blah. I cannot say about the whole book, because I couldn’t survive even a quarter of it. But at least in the initial chapters it has just glorified India. I wouldn’t have had any problem with that had the story been even a little more interesting. I thought it wouldn’t be just another self help book. Every third person I met had loved the book. But I really don’t understand why. This hot shot lawyer is obsessed with his work, running after glory and pride, disastrous personal life, divorced blah blah. Gets a heart attack in the middle of a trial, decides to abandon everything and try to get in touch with nature, decides to go to India, finds mysterious sages and starts living with them. He is the first to be able to find those sages in ages, as if he is the one they were waiting for to pass on their wisdom. The sages give him seven tips/advices/pointers/whatever to Get a Life (!), he promises to return to his world and spread the wisdom. Comes back a better person – lost all extra pounds, glow on his face, cheerful, no stress and stuff, and begins to pass on the wisdom to his colleague and that is where I lost patience and stopped reading it. What crap!

Regards,

Devil's own

I feel miserable, i dont want to cry... maybe i do. i dont know
I feel helpless

SOS

It is annoying when people expect me to look good all the time, dressed perfectly, with perfect hair and a picture perfect bright expression and a smile on your face? I am sorry I cannot work according to your expectations all the time. People expect you to be perfect all the time, but don’t want you to be better than them. So when you do seem perfect they are jealous and when not, they point fingers and make fun of you. What the heck is their problem? Just get on with your lives and leave me alone.
There are going to be days I’m feeling down, days on which I don’t want to be sweet to everyone, days I don’t wanna listen to the problems in your life, days I am preoccupied with decisions of my life, days I may not wanna pay attention to my hair or my dress, days I don’t wanna be bothered at all.
There are going to be times that the food I cook may be short of salt, there are going to be times I’m going to spill milk while boiling, and there are going to be times I will forget to put sugar in the tea, there are going to be times I over or undercook food. I don’t want to be perfect, or I don’t want you to tell me I should be perfect or less than that. I want to be human.
There are going to be times when my bag gets torn, there are going to be times when my sandals get spoiled, there are going to be times I will want to watch stupid movies which do not seem to have intelligent storylines or perfect direction, there are going to be times I would want to listen to idiotic music, there are going to be times when I will read books that would seem unintelligent, there are going to be days I’ll seem clumsy, there are going to be times when my drawings will turn out to be miserable, there are going to be times I’ll sing cacophony, there are going to be times I’ll be conscious and nervous on stage, there are going to be times I would not know how to get on with a case study or a project, there are going to be times I’ll take bad decisions, there are going to be times when I’d be in a foul mood and want to take out my frustration on someone. I want to be rude to someone. I don’t wanna forgive you for things you do to me. Why do I have to be a nice person? Why?
I don’t wanna have times when I fail to see what people are actually like; I don’t want to be fooled. I don’t want you to get me all emotional and submit to your demands, and keep regretting later. I want to insult people if they humiliate me. I don’t want to be nice. I don’t. Nice people don’t get anywhere. They just get stamped on and run over.
I feel like a pressure cooker with all the steam building up inside me, and will blast some day.
HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLP!!!!

I cant think of a title...

After making plans for about two weeks to go watch a movie, my friend and me finally went today and watched ‘Rang de Basanti’. Good movie overall, but some things are pretty stupid and unreal. The defense minister is apparently a corrupt politician, and has been buying cheaper parts for air force fighter planes - MiGs, which have been responsible for many MiG crashes and deaths of the pilots. A friend of theirs who is a MiG pilot dies in a crash, and to avenge that the group of friends decide to kill the defense minister!! I find this stupid, as if defense minister single handedly went to the grocer’s and bought a basket of MiG parts, and no one else is responsible. And that, if they kill him the problem will be solved! Okay, for once I can understand that all of them were full of fury because of the friend’s death. But, the killing was way too simple, and as the movie went about it, it appeared no one had or would have had any clue that they killed him; in fact, the news channels blamed foreign forces for this. Moreover, all they had to do to kill the defense minister of the country was to pick up a gun and shoot the minister while he was very leisurely taking his morning walk on the road without any guards at all, and flee very conveniently without drawing any attention! Although I do not know how the government and this system exactly go on, but I do not believe that killing the defense minister is that easy! Simpler than robbing an empty house.
However, overall, a good watch. Nice movie.
We were running late and reached the movie 5 minutes late, so a lot of confusion about the seats, all the darkness, no one around to direct audience to their seats. Our row was b and we thought it was d, so we entered that row. Then we realized it was b, so we got out of it and entered the wrong column of row b. Confusion all around with more people looking for their seats and entering wrong rows! Aaaaaaaaargh! So finally, we settled in our seats.
We were talking about something in very hush hush voices when we suddenly hear a very loud “LOOSE CONTROL!!”… We were shaken and were in a state of shock for 2 seconds, haha. Then we realized we had a huge speaker above on the wall beside our seats – we were sitting in corner seats.
A couple beside us where the girl probably had recently bought her cell and was continuously fidgeting with it. She did not let the backlight turn off for more than 30 seconds at a stretch. And, after everything she whispered in her boyfriend’s ear, all he had to say was “Oh, SHUT up!” A little while later the tables turned. It was her turn now, and she said “SHUT UP, Ashutosh.” I wanted to say “get out Ashutosh, and take your girlfriend with you!!!” Immediately after that, a kid started wailing uncontrollably. They were silent for a while then, and as soon as the people in the movie killed the defense minister, the soundtrack of kal ho na ho began. I thought how ridiculous can they get. But thankfully (or actually not), it was the ringing tone of a cell that belonged to the guy sitting exactly behind us. Then finally he did us a favor by receiving the call, but he was shouting in my ears as he talked. During the interval, the couple got themselves a pizza, and they girl appeared to be an ogre while she ate it. And this time, I was not the only one amazed – even her boyfriend was staring at her. Peacefully watched the movie for about next 10 minutes, and someone screams “Haha, tujhe Accounts mein sirf Saadhe teen aaye hai”, some one sitting very far in the front of us. And everyone could hear him, and someone shouted “Aur tujhe kitne aaye hai”. Could have been funny, if the couple beside me had let us watch rest of the movie in peace. Then the girl again says something to the guy and this time Mr. Ashutosh goes a step ahead and says… no, actually, Shouts - **** OFF!! I really wanted to slap both of them at that instant. Why were they sitting there at all? Why did they need to talk if this was all they could say?! Anyways, they were not a lot of trouble after that except the irritating backlight of the girl’s cell. They must have stopped talking after that.
So we finished our popcorn and cokes and were out of that crazy place, came back home and sat in my room talking for a while. Somehow, both of us had ended up with bad moods because of our separate reasons and had totally forgotten about the movie within 30 minutes of the movie’s end.
Well, anyways I am doing okay right nowJ. See ya

Regards,

Devil’s own

My current wallpaper

Once upon a time...

No no dont be scared, I won't start narrating a fairytale here. A comment I got on a post of mine titled "D-I-S-C-O" reminded me of this incident and i thought i'll write about it here.
When I was in the first year of college we had this teacher who had a really bad language... i mean she could hardly speak one sentence in proper english
Once, our whole class had been given a case study to work on, and while discussing it everyone was in a rush to talk about his or her own analysis and conclusions. so it had really become quite noisy and everyone was speaking all at once.
Suddenly our teacher shouts at the top her voice. She says "ONCE UPON A TIME!!!". All of us turned and looked at her... we were really puzzled. Pin-drop silence in the class. Excuse me? what's with this story telling? We are in the middle of a case study! Once upon a time what? Everyone is staring at her blankly waiting for her to continue, and she's staring back with anger in her eyes. What's going on? why doesn't she continue? once upon a time what?!
Then she stares at us for about 5 seconds and begins with the case study again. Hello? what happened once upon a time?
After a lot of thinking we realised that she actually meant "One at a time"!!! hahaha
I sometimes wonder do I laugh or do I bang my head against the wall when things like these happen.

Regards

Devil's own

Morally impaired

I had come across the term ‘open relationship’ somewhere some time back, don’t remember where, and couldn’t understand what that meant. Not single, not attached, but in an open relationship. I thought the term sounded weird, but didn’t go any deeper into it to understand the meaning. A few days back, there was a newspaper article on the topic – redefining monogamy. It said that open relationships are the in thing, not with yuppie college goers, but with civilized married couples. Not just in the Cosmo part of the country and the world but even in the small towns like Ambala, Meerut et al. I was aghast. I was shocked. I thought that article must be by a witty columnist making fun of it, or at least one that depicted the deteriorating lifestyles, and completely morally impaired people that are hopelessly and continuously devaluing human relationships. But what is the world coming to! It actually advocated the issue in positive light and how it cures boredom and monotony in the life of married couples. I’d rather not marry at all if I had to live this kind of a life, or face even a nanosecond of it.
But first, for those of you who have been unaware of this new trend like me, here’s an introduction to the basics of open marriage, also known as managed monogamy (!!!). This makes it sound filthier to me… managed monogamy?! What rubbish. Administration and management at home to run the marriage smoothly?! Provide benefits and incentives to ensure job satisfaction at home?! Here’s a part from that article.

*****

“New age couples are defining their out-of-marriage encounters as part of managed monogamy, where the spouse approves all external romantic and sexual encounters. According to a report, couples shouldn’t take monogamy for granted. Instead, they should take the urge to stray for granted. For couples who want to be in the happily-ever-after category, this is the new truth…
… It’s a positive trend, as it allows couples to look at inadequacies in their relationship and seek sexual and romantic partners who can fulfill them…
… Most couples explain that they’re switching to managed monogamy as short-term adventure that will prevent them from straying away forever…
… Says naina, ‘… Yes I am having an affair with my colleague. I discussed this with my husband and he’s okay about my dating this guy. Aditya has a crush of his own, so he’s actually quite preoccupied with her. We both understand our ‘other’ attractions as for us it is a mutual decision to date other people and yet remain married to each other.’”

*****

Excusez moi, why get married in the first place if you cant live with one person all your life?
Crush? Dating? MAN! Outrageous! Prevent them from straying forever? Ha! What more is left to stray from? It is shameful enough to read about it, and when I think of how are they going to raise children and what are they going to teach them I get all dizzy. Either the children would be completely ashamed of their parents, or they’ll be as morally impaired as their parents. Both these situations aren’t healthy. I hope these ultra hip couples remain busy with their dating and affairs and choose not to have children. I still don’t understand, that when it is so difficult to stay with one person, WHY is the need to get married? Social or financial or emotional security?! Disgusting!

If this is urbanization or modernization, then I’d rather live in the middle ages.

Man very tactfully finds explanations to vindicate everything he wants to do. Not that he would stay away from it thinking it to be bad if it is not justified, just that if it is justified it will be convenient and hassle free for him, keeping him completely devoid of guilt feeling, and any blames. This is exactly why there can never be anything which can be termed as good or bad. Something is bad only until it finds explanations and justifications for being necessary or unavoidable, or at least acceptable, and then it handily transforms first into a necessary evil, and then into something good or atleast something pretty normal. But shouldn’t there be a limit to this? But of course, who will set the limit? But, to think of it, isn’t that what morals and ethics are supposed to do? Aren’t they supposed to put boundaries where man’s greed fails?

As the line in the song ' Affirmation' by savage garden goes... 'i believe that trust is more important than monogamy'... yeah sure it is. but not that monogamy isn't important. And i cannot trust people who indulge or even believe in "managed monogamy"!!! Honesty is a virtue, yes. But honesty won't get you anywhere if you are doing unethical things. Kill someone and be honest about it, betray your spouse and be honest about it! NO dude! it doesn not work that way.

Not that people didn’t stray or have extra marital affairs without this concept of managed monogamy, but now they have a public license to do as they please and be proud of it and flaunt it. Guilt comes nowhere in the picture, as the couple is aware of what the spouses are up to, and all they will do about it is find themselves a date too. The concept of family has been totally lost here. Nobody has the benefit of blaming the spouse for cheating because there’s nothing hidden here, nothing secret. I wish there arises an ethical revolution which gets everyone back to their senses and save them from doom. As for me, I’m pretty content with my old fashioned ways.

Regards,

Devil's own

Oops!

I was coming back home with my friend from somewhere. We were discussing something and we began arguing, we were annoyed, and she was really bugged and frustrated because of something. We were totally engrossed with our discussion and didn’t realize we were on the road. Actually the volume was pretty fine for the road as long as we were driving. Had we been speaking in a lower volume we wouldn’t have been able to hear our own voices coz of the roar of vehicles, the horns, the air rushing past, and of course… as it was the day before 26th January – the republic day, there were patriotic songs blaring out of the loudspeakers and horn shaped things everywhere which was pretty irritating. I hate it even when people play bhajans and prayers at loud volumes for everyone in a 3 mile radius to hear. I can’t stand that! Fine, you have faith, you are singing praise of your gods, and you are praying, but why can’t you keep it personal??? Why disturb everyone else? Not that I have anything against prayers and bhajans, just that I can’t understand all the shouting and screaming and it doesn’t even sound like music anymore. Besides, I don’t understand what people are trying to achieve by sitting in front of god’s picture and shout and blare for hours. I don’t think anyone can find peace in that. I am a believer in god too, but it is a personal matter to me. Now look how I have completely drifted away from the topic I was talking about!
Yeah, so we were lost in our conversation and we arrived at a traffic signal, still talking. She was telling me how bugged and how bad she was feeling, and I said “Why?” She said “Because...”, and she paused and turned to look at me. I was confused for a nanosecond, and then realized everyone around had turned their heads towards us and were staring at us as if waiting to hear further. Like everyone is looking at us and saying “Yeah, tell us why? We are also interested!”. We were totally embarrassed, and had stopped talking and staring at the people around. There was an elderly couple on our left, where the lady was staring at us while holding her saree so that it didn’t slip off her head, a college going dude to our right who had lifted his helmet’s flap (whatever it is called) and looking at us with curious eyes, a kid to sitting behind his dad and staring at us was in front of us to the right, two petrol pump attendants beside him, two girls beside the petrol pump attendants. I didn’t have the heart to turn around and look at more faces staring at us. I wanted to disappear. I just dug my head in my friend’s shoulder… haha… she didn’t even have that advantage. She was driving she couldn’t even cover her face with her hands. The 70 or so seconds that we had to wait at the signal seemed like an eternity, and we couldn’t wait to run away from there. We were thankful to god when we got to escape from that place, and five minutes later were laughing so bad our faces hurt, and we had tears in our eyes from the laughing. And I thought this just happened in movies!
Things that happen to me!

Regards,

Devil's own

Doofus!

Today, my friend and I were sitting in my room eating burgers and talking. She had a class at six, and it was half an hour to go when we began talking. We lost track of time, and then she had to miss her class. So we talked some more, and then decided to go out for some coke. We drove around a bit, while thinking of a place to go to. We agreed on one and went there. We were pretty filled after eating the burgers and ordered just coke. As usual I picked up the menu and started browsing through it. I do that a lot, whether I wanna eat or not, I have a habit of reading the menus when they are in front of me, and almost all the time I come across weird names of dishes, and really funny spelling mistakes. That is why I go through the menus. This time I came across things like “ Janta Zing Sandwich, Bread Kachha (Yes, this was the spelling!! Haha… rotfl), Butter Slice Totast Sandwich, scezan noodles and stuff,…and a whole bunch of other spelling mistakes.

The place was really weird. It had iron chairs, that were painted mauve, and had red cushions on them, and there was plastic cover on the cushions too, as if infants come in to eat there! In front of the entrance was a wall where there were bathroom tiles of all colours and designs, which obviously looked like a display that I would have rather seen in a hardware or lifestyle store. There was an apology of a painting on a wall… I’d rather not put it into the category of art, it was pitiful. But the place wasn’t dirty or small or anything, and this ‘décor’ had definitely not arisen out of lack of cash.

Fine, so we finished our cokes and went over to pay the bill. I asked how much... 24 rupees. I said okay, but the bottle says the price is 8 bucks. So how come 24 for two cokes? A guy went over to the table where we were sitting, picked up a bottle, and said hmm. Then again came over to us and stood silent. I said “so… how much?” 24 rupees. I stared at him and very respectfully asked why? The idiot sitting behind the counter said “hamaare yahan bottle vottle ka rate nahi chalta, menu mein barah rupeh likha hai”, Kyu menu central government ne chhaap ke diya hai kya? And he said “Is jagah ka kiraya pacchhees hazaar rupaye hai, bees hazaar (god knows what he said) mein lag jaate hai” Big Deal!!! Why was the moron telling me all that? Isn’t it obvious that there would be expenses if you’re running any kind of business? The idiot was actually shouting, and all the people sitting there were staring at him, and I was totally confused and all I could say was “What?!” The guy was rude like hell, and was talking as if he had done us a favor by letting us sit there and have coke. So much for customer care! Well, I couldn’t stand the sight of him anymore, nor did I want to create a scene with that miser. So we paid our share of his shop rent (!) and left the insane place, and swore to never ever go back there.

Regards,

Devil's own

Please hear what I am not saying...

I read this in one of the Chicken soup for the soul series. Pretty good.


Don’t be fooled by me.
Don’t be fooled by the face I wear.
For I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
Masks that I am afraid to take off,
And none of them is me.
Pretending is an art that is second nature to me,
But don’t be fooled.
I give you the impression that I’m secure,
That confidence is my name and coolness is my game,
That the water’s calm and I’m in command,
And that I need no one.
But don’t believe me.
My surface my seem smooth, but my surface is my mask,
Ever varying and ever concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion and fear and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don’t want anybody to know it.

I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed.
That’s why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
A nonchalant sophisticated façade, to help me pretend,
To shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation.
My only hope and I know it.
That is, if it is followed by acceptance,
If it is followed by love.
It’s the only thing that can liberate me from myself,
From my own self built prison walls,
From the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It’s the only thing that will assure me
Of what I cannot assure myself,
That I’m really worth something.
I don’t like to hide.
I don’t like to play superficial phony games,
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me,
But you’ve got to help me.
You’ve got to hold out your hand
Even when that’s the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
The bland stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.

Each time you’re kind and gentle and encouraging,
Each time you try to understand because you really care,
My heart begins to grow wings, very small wings,
Very feeble wings,
But wings!
With your power to touch me into feeling
You can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.

Who am I, you may wonder.
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet.
For I am every woman you meet.

- Jill Zevallos-Solak

Regards,

Devil's own

Get out of my way!

I get so bugged so many times while driving. It seems that whenever I’m in a rush to reach someplace (and when I’m not too), everybody else on the road has all the time in the world. Every single person in the city has to cross the road or even take a walk in the middle of it at the exact time when I am passing that stretch of the road. And okay, fine, I’ll keep up with it. I’m probably just getting too chaotic because I’m in a hurry, but seriously I always feel that whenever I’m honking the horn its to take out my frustration instead of asking someone to get out of my way. Atleast I’m sure that is what everyone in front of me thinks. The loud noise of the horn doesn’t even cause anybody to bat their eyelids!!! It doesn’t even bother pedestrians. And as it is I fail to understand why there are people walking in the middle of the road, and how can parents allow kids of about ten to ride their bicycles on highways. They’ve caused me two really bad accidents already, and completely destroyed a favorite dress! I cannot take this! What am I, invisible or something? Plus, people somehow suddenly decide to stop in the middle of the road, change their minds, take U turns everywhere, very conveniently use the other side of the road to get ahead of vehicles in front of them when there isn’t any space in front of them, leave their indicators on and forget about them, give the left indicator and turn right, and don’t bother to indicate in any manner when they actually have to take a turn… and continuously irritatingly and stupidly honk their horns at traffic signals!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggghhhh!!!!

Really bugged,

Devil's own

Please Listen

I found this in the chicken soup series, and instantly liked it and could relate to it. But yeah, as much as its important for you to have someone listen to you, there are so many times I feel the need to be told what to do. Maybe that is what I was going to do as it is, but I feel safe, I feel secure, and I feel assured, when the words come from someone I love and someone I trust. When someone I love gives me advice, it feels good. I feel cared for. I feel there is someone who’ll be there, and who’ll catch me when I fall, and help me get back on my feet.


Please Listen


When I ask you to listen to me
And you start giving me advice,
You have not done what I have asked.
When I ask you to listen to me
And you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way,
You’re trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me
And you feel you have to do something to solve my problem,
You have failed me,
Strange as it may seem.
Listen! All I ask is that you listen.
Don’t talk or do – just hear me.
Advice is cheap; 20 cents will get
You both Dear Abby and Billy Graham
In the same newspaper.
And I can do for myself; I’m not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering,
But not helpless.
When you do something for me that I can
And need to do for myself,
You contribute to my fear and inadequacy.
But when you accept as a simple fact
That I feel what I feel,
No matter how irrational,
Then I can stop trying to convince you
And get about this business
Of understanding what’s behind
This irrational feeling.
And when that’s clear, the answers are obvious
And I don’t need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when
We understand what’s behind them.
Perhaps that’s why prayer works, sometimes,
For some people – for God is mute,
And he doesn’t give advice or try to fix things.
God just listens and lets you work it out for yourself.
So please listen, and just hear me.
And if you want to talk, wait a minute
for your turn – and I will listen to you.

Regards,

Devil's own

D-I-S-C-O?!?!

I was sitting in front of my pc as usual, and playing sudoku while listening to songs playing on winamp. I was completely engrossed in the puzzle and was barely aware of the music playing in the background, despite the volume being more than audible even outside the main door of my place.
As I finished the 7th sudoku puzzle in succession, my attention drifted to the music playing. I have a large collection of different songs from various genres in my computer, and there are a lot of songs I don’t ever listen to, and even loads of those which I have never heard even once. Furthermore, a lot of times, I am not even aware of their existence in my machine.
Okay, so we come back to what I was saying. So the song that started playing was called ‘Disco’ by a band called N-trance. This was not one of those I hadn’t heard before, but for the first time I actually paid attention to what the dude was saying. Before this, whenever I had heard the song, never paid attention, as it sounded like another of those fast numbers you can find use for when on the dance floor. And of course, after I actually heard it, I wished I hadn’t. Ha ha.
So here are the lyrics…

“D-I-S-C-O… D-I-S-C-O… D-I-S-C-O… D-I-S-C-O…
[A whole load of full speed crappy blah blah, which I guess isn’t even intended to get through to the people goes here, which is rephrased or maybe not - a lot of times and inserted after the chorus everywhere.]
She’s D, desirable
She’s I, irresistible
She’s S, super-sexy
She’s C, such a cutie
She’s Oooooooooooooooo [probably stretched this long for the lyricist being at a loss of a proper and rhyming adjective beginning with ‘O’ that can fit in here]
She is Disco… She’s Disco… She is Disco” (And this continues, and fades away with the end of the song)

So…
The girl, according to the word web is “A public dance hall for dancing to recorded popular music”. Haha. Is this supposed to make sense? Couldn’t they put in better words in here? She’s disco??? This is really absurd!!

I somehow get myself to stop analyzing the lyrics and searching for a sensible meaning for the song, and decide to do that later. I think of deleting the song from the hdd, but then decide otherwise and let it be. But what I do is switch to familiar and understandable music for the moment, and jump to ‘Gin Soaked Boy’ by ‘The Divine Comedy’.

Regards,
Devil's own